PARENTS COMPLETE FAMILY SKILLS WORKSHOPS

George McGurn

May 3, 2000

Last week we completed our 6- week parenting workshops in Beverly, Danvers and Salem. During the last session we take time to evaluate our program and take a look at what we have accomplished. We discuss what was helpful and what was not helpful in the workshops.

We also talk about how the program can be improved. But most important, the parents talk about how they have changed since attending the workshops.

I find that it is very helpful for the parents to tell the group how they have changed. And it is also helpful for the group to hear each other tell of their changes. It is also helpful and very rewarding for me to hear about their progress.

This week we heard parents talk about handling anger so much better. The parents liked the word "wrath" to describe their anger. We talked about anger not being a primary feeling. We talked about anger being a reaction to a primary feeling that was not acknowledged and attended to. We listed frustration, embarrassment, disappointment, loneliness and jealousy as some primary feelings that we can feel. And if those feelings are not named and attended to they will later become anger.

One parent said she tries not to judge her children now. She thinks less about behavior as being good or bad. She now describes the behavior without judging it.

We always wrestle with the role of the parents with homework. We described homework as being assigned by the teacher, completed by the student and evaluated by a professional-the teacher. But it's not that easy and there are a lot of gray areas that cause a lot of anxiety.

One parent said that although the workshop was about communicating with kids, she found the techniques we used in the workshops worked very well with adults also. Some parents said they liked my style of using a lot of humor and telling a lot of stories. I always tell the parents that if they learned from the humor and from the stories, their children would also appreciate some humor and stories in the home.

The parents talked about using the "I" word instead of the accusing "you" word. They talked about using "I hope" instead of "did you?" They talked about using the technique of "discussion" instead of "argument."

One mother had only one child who happened to be the only grandchild in the family. She said that she was making an effort to encourage her child to be assertive and stand up for herself. She said she didn't want her to be passive like Gerald Andrew Johnstone III who we use as the example of a passive child.

We spent a lot of time in the workshops talking about the troubles of the passive child who can't stand up for himself and the aggressive child who becomes the bully. We focused so much on getting kids to stand up for themselves within the rules and then surrounding themselves with other assertive kids.

Our first homework assignment was to greet the kids coming home from school without asking a question. It's amazing how difficult it is for some parents to give up the old, "How was your day?" What did you do in school today?" We talked about greeting the kids with a safe welcoming statement like, "Nice to see you."

The parents had a hard time when we talked about cutting down on the teaching, correcting and contradicting of their children. Parents seem to feel that they have to be teaching their children at all times. Yet, the only time you can have effective teaching is when a child is listening.

One parent said that she and her husband were using the parenting workshop as a day during the week when they would sit down and take a look at where their family was going. Now that the workshops were over she said that they were going to continue to use Thursday as the day when they would sit down and talk about their family's goals and direction.

Another parent told me a story about her 1st grade boy's reaction to sibling rivalry. She said that in school her son was asked to write a sentence demonstrating the difference between "more" and "less." He wrote, "I wish there were 100 more of me and only 1 of my sister." Mom told him that was not very nice. He then told her he first wrote, "I wish there were 100 more of me and zero of my sister." But he said the teacher made him change it.

One of the parents was so pleased with his progress as a parent. He could not believe how effective the technique of describing was. He used to yell and accuse when his 2 year old son did anything wrong. But now he uses the describing technique. He told us about a recent incident where his 2 year old son had written on the floor with a magic marker. In stead of yelling or accusing he just described.

Dad said, "I see some writing on the floor." And then he waited a while. The boy then said, "That's my writing." And Dad waited some more. And then the boy said, "And I should write on paper. Not on the floor."