WHAT IF?

George McGurn

April 6, l999

I remember Danielle as the most intense 1st grade student I had ever worked with. She was a beautiful girl both inside and out. She was gentle, kind, considerate and very sensitive. But she was also so very, very anxious. She was worried about today. She was worried about yesterday and she was worried about tomorrow. Life was not fun for Danielle.

I remember the first time I saw Danielle and her mother outside of our school on the first day of school. Danielle was sobbing and mom was just holding on to Danielle with a bewildered look on her face. The principal and I managed to separate them and to get Danielle into her classroom. We were faced with two major issues. Danielle did not want to leave her mother. And mom did not want to leave her daughter.

The next morning we had the same issue. More sobbing from Danielle and a mother who was adding to the problem by holding on to her daughter. I had the job of separating the two again and taking Danielle into her classroom. It took her a while to calm down. But when her classmates began to talk with her Danielle got her self together and could get thru the day.

After a week of struggling with Danielle in the morning I began to work with her mother. We came up with a plan to have Danielle walk to school with her sister and some of the neighborhood girls. Mom said that she would say goodbye inside the house and allow Danielle to walk to school with the girls. But mom was not ready.

Mom ruined the plan by also walking with the girls and holding Danielle's hand on the way to school. By the time they reached the school Danielle and her mom could not let go of each other. And the sobbing began again. Mom had the feeling that Danielle needed her during this crisis so she was determined to be a "good mother" and protect her daughter.

What Danielle really needed at this time was to have mom give a strong message to her daughter that she wanted Danielle to go to school. But mom didn't really know what message to send to Danielle. Part of mom wanted Danielle to go to school like the other 1st grade kids. But another part of mom felt Danielle needed to stay home with mom where it was safe.

Mom wasn't ready to have Danielle walk to school without her. So mom agreed to only walk part of the way to school with her. Part way to mom meant that she would walk with her daughter until they were 10 feet from the school. And then they would begin the painful separation process filled with tears and pleading.

We watched this sad scene continue for the first 3 weeks of school. After 15 days of pain Danielle and mom had worked out their issues and finally Danielle was able to walk to school with her friends, and without her mother.

But as soon as Danielle had settled into her school routine a new crisis arose. Her class was going on a field trip to the North Shore Music Theater. Danielle was panic stricken. Her anxiety surfaced again. This time I began to meet with both mom and Danielle and we went to work to resolve the issue of the field trip.

We tried to get Danielle to tell us what it was that frightened her about the field trip. And I was relieved to see that she was able to isolate some specific fears.

We began to use the "What if" technique. And Danielle was able to help us with it. Danielle would ask, "What if I get lost at the Music Theater?" And we would discuss ways to deal with this. She could ask an adult. Make sure she keeps her ticket stub. Buddy up with a friend. Stay close to her teacher.

Danielle had fears about having to go to the bathroom in the Theater. She had fears about losing her lunch. She had fears about the bus getting lost.

Anxiety is so difficult to deal with. With anxiety you never know what the specific issues are. So you do a lot of fumbling around. By using the "what if" technique we were able to change much of Danielle's anxiety into specific fear. And by using the "what if" technique we were able to give Danielle some specific strategies to deal with her fears.