January 1998

In our Parenting Workshops the first homework assignment I give to the parents is to greet their kids when they return from school with a safe welcoming statement instead of a question. I am always amazed at how difficult an assignment this is for some parents. When I ask for examples of safe statements they usually begin with "How was your day’" When I ask them if they think this is a statement or a question they become confused because they have been using this technique for so long. The second response they usually give as an example of a safe statement is "What did you do in school today?" For some unknown reason many parents feel it is their duty to ask a lot of questions as quickly as they can before their kids can get away.

Usually these same parents say that their kid’s reply to their question of "What did you do in school today?" is "Nothing." That response is usually followed by the parents asking yet another question: "Well, you must have done something?" What could have been a pleasant welcome has turned into a frustrating interrogation

Sometimes parents fail to understand that an effective teaching technique in school is to ask students lots of questions. By the end of a school day kids have been bombarded with "What’s the answer to..?" "How much is ??" "Who discovered??" "How far is it??" "Who knows??" "When did??" "Why is it..?" "Where is??" and "Who can tell me??"

When the school bell rings and the kids head home they are so relieved that the questions are finally finished. They can’t wait to get home for a nice, peaceful time to get themselves together and shake all those questions out of their head. "Thank Heavens no more questions. Just let me get home and away from it all."

But no! No sooner are the kids inside the house when the questions begin again. "Did you have a nice day?" "Where are your papers?" "Did you remember to return your library book?" "What happened to your shirt?" "What’s the matter with you, didn’t you see I just washed that floor?" In a situation like this the kid’s survival manual says to pull in and give the parents as little as possible so they will go away as quickly as possible and leave you in peace

When you use a question like "How was your day?" You expect a response and if you don’t get the response you want you may feel ignored and that the child is being rude to you. It drives parents crazy when they want to know everything about their child’s school activities and the child refuses to talk. Usually, the more you pressure the child for information the less you get. It’s so sad when a pleasant homecoming turns into a battle of the wills.

More parents are seeing the value of using safe statements instead of questions. When a child is coming home after a hectic day at school a safe statement can make a returning child feel safe, comfortable and wanted. Some parents use "Nice to see you." "I really missed you." "I made your favorite snack." When you use a statement you get your point across and the child does not have to respond at that time.

Some parents use themselves as examples of sharing information by telling the child what happened around the house while they were at school. Other parents have said that they tell their kids that they want to know what happened at school and will be ready to talk when they are ready. Other parents have a rule about no probing until supper time.

Most parents tell me that the kids returning home from school really appreciate a safe statement, a tasty snack, a warm hug and enough space to make the transition from school to home.

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