VALUED FOR LIFE

George McGurn

March 22, 2000

Two students are in Mrs. Goldberg's kindergarten class on the first day of school. Both of the students are five years old. Mrs. Goldberg gives the attendance list to Susan and asks her to take the attendance to the office. Susan is overwhelmed and burst into tears. Then Mrs. Goldberg gives the list to Kristin and asks her to take the list to the office. Kristin bounces out of the room and heads down the hall. Mrs. Goldberg calls after her: " Kristin, do you know where the office is?" Kristin calls back: "No, but I'll find it."

Kristen showed that she had the COURAGE to take a risk. She showed that she had CONFIDENCE in herself. She also showed that she had CONFIDENCE in other people in case she needed help. We don't really know if she feels valued as a person within her family. But just having two of the three building blocks allows her to take a risk and to achieve. Kristin is going to need the third building block of BEING VALUED as an individual within her family to feel really complete as a person. In our Parenting Workshops we talk about 3 building blocks for a strong foundation:

1. Being VALUED as a son or daughter-with no connection to achievement

2. COURAGE: Being able to take a risk

3. CONFIDENCE AND TRUST in yourself and in others

When I began as a counselor I thought that all children who found success and achievement would be confident and would value themselves and then would feel complete. But later I worked with many adults who were highly successful in school and in the workplace. But they were miserable because they didn't feel valued as individuals within their family. In fact, many of these adults began to see that they were driven to be highly successful in school or work to make up for the feeling of not being valued by their parents within their family. They tried to prove to their parents, to their peers and to themselves that they were, indeed, valued individuals.

These adults felt valued as successful students and they felt valued as successful workers. But it wasn't enough to make up for the loss of validation from their parents. These adults felt valued as workers and students only when they had success and achievement coming in. But no one is successful every day. And when they were not successful in the workplace or in school they didn't have the foundation of family validation to get them through their down times.

Karen was in one of our Parenting Workshops. She was 35 years old. She was a very bright parent and seemed very "together." When the Workshops were over I saw her for a few counseling sessions. She told me she had a terrible childhood. She said her parents favored her brother and sister. And she felt worthless within her family.

She hated her childhood so she grew up as fast as she could. She quit school early. She married early. She very quickly had three children. And she then started her own successful small business. Her marriage was going well. Her kids were in good shape. Her business was doing well. But she also had that empty feeling from not being valued by her parents.

We tried some strategies to get Karen and her parents to patch up their relationship. But the parents were still very angry at Karen and didn't want to change.

Well, it looks like Karen is not going to get her primary validation as a person from her parents. Will Karen ever be happy? Well, Karen is going to have a scar from her family experience. But she has enough strength in her foundation that she will get her secondary validation from her spouse, her children, her friends, her work and any other means available to her.

I remember when my son, Brian, called to say our first grandchild, Jess, was born. My wife and I jumped in our car and went directly to the hospital in Worcester. Jess was only a few hours old but already two camcorders were pointed at her. Mine made three. Jess had her Mom's family there. She had her Dad's family there. And she also had friends from both sides of the family there. We captured every breath and every movement on film. And we spent the afternoon just marveling at this miracle. Do you think Jess could sense that she was a valued person. What had she accomplished? Nothing. She was just valued as Jess.

The hospital room was divided by a curtain and we heard another mother who had also given birth. She was alone with her baby and we heard her talking on the phone saying: "Well, somebody's got to come and pick us up." Do you think this baby could sense that she was not a valued person?

A lot has been written about trust and confidence. And we know that trust and confidence come from achievement. And this confidence is reinforced when the important people in a child's life validate that achievement.

But not much has been written about the power of feeling valued as an individual-not connected to any achievement. This validation comes from within your family. This validation is for just being you. And this validation is the power that allows you to get thru the bad times when there is little success and achievement in your life.

It's great to give your children praise and recognition when they succeed and accomplish something. But kids also need support and validation from their family when they encounter failure and disappointment in their world: "Mom, I had a terrible day today. The teacher yelled at me. The kids wouldn't let me play at recess and I think I lost my library book." This is when a parent can show their children that they are loved and valued even when they fail: "What a day you had. Come over here. I want to give you a big hug. And remember you're my special daughter all day and every day. No matter what happens. "