February 14, 2001

I was in the van with my 5 year-old grandson, Matt, as he was talking with his mother about his father’s business trip to California. Matt said, "I feel sad about Dad going on that trip. I’m going to really miss Dad." Kristin then said, " I know. I feel sad too and I’m also going to miss Dad."

I thought it was so great that a five-year-old child could express an uncomfortable feeling without that feeling being shooshed. Not only was Matt’s feeling accepted but it was also validated and even shared. It doesn’t get much better than that.

So often when a child expresses an uncomfortable feeling an adult will shoosh it. Many adults become uncomfortable when their child says that he is feeling an uncomfortable feeling. And so many times the adult will deny the child his uncomfortable feeling by trying to talk the child out of the uncomfortable feeling and "look on the bright side."

How do you think kids feel when they keep hearing the denial of their uncomfortable feelings?

"Don’t be afraid. You shouldn’t feel sad. Now don’t get angry. Don’t worry about it. Don’t get excited. There’s no reason to be scared. I hope you won’t be disappointed. Don’t yell. That doesn’t hurt. That’s nothing. It’s only a scratch. Now wipe that frown off your face. Let’s see that big smile."

We think that we can talk kids out of their uncomfortable feelings and then they will feel better. But that isn’t the case. If a child is feeling 30 pounds of sadness and someone tries to deny these feelings the 30 pounds won’t go away. They usually come out later in some indirect expression that will be very difficult to understand. Or the child will file these unresolved feelings deep in his stomach.

I like the story of the ten year-old boy who runs into the room carrying the remains of his model airplane he has been working on for three weeks. He is screaming, "Brian broke my plane. It’s ruined. He stepped on it. I hate that brother of mine."

Then Mom says, "Stop that right now, Paul." Brian is your brother. He is your own flesh and blood. You don’t hate your brother. You love your brother."

Paul stops and thinks about what Mom said. And he knows she is pretty smart so he listens to her words. Then he decides to look inside his shirt to see what feelings he is really feeling. He is wondering if there is love or hate under his shirt. He looks inside his shirt and sure enough he doesn’t see any love. He just sees 88 pounds disappointment and frustration.

And now he is getting a little confused about what he is really feeling. Should he be feeling love or hate.

Then Mom says, "What’s wrong with you to use words like hate. You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking those thoughts. You should be proud to have a brother like Brian. Brian loves you so much and you say things like that about him. I want you to go over to Brian right now and tell him that you are sorry for what you said. And promise you’ll never say those words to him again."

Now Paul doesn’t know what to do or what to feel. At first he was thinking Brian did something wrong to him. Now he is wondering if he is the bad guy. And he is really wondering what feelings he should be feeling. So he looks inside his shirt again.

And sure enough he still can see the 88 pounds of disappointment and frustration about his broken airplane. But he has learned that telling people about uncomfortable feelings is not the thing to do. And he figures that somehow you have to hide these feelings. Because if you feel uncomfortable feelings, something must be wrong with you.

Parents hate the word hate. That word even scares a lot of parents. We think something really awful is going to happen when kids use the word hate. Paul was probably feeling disappointment and frustration about his damaged airplane. But he didn’t have the skill of using those specific words. So he used the general word hate.

tell people about his uncomfortable feelings?

1. Feel the feeling.
2. Acknowledge the feeling to yourself. "I am upset."
3. Name the specific feeling. I am really DISAPPOINTED.
4. Validate the feeling. "It’s OK for me to feel disappointed."
5. Deal with the disappointment effectively by talking about it or doing something about it.
6. Then you can move on and let it go.