Anger is a very difficult feeling to deal with. So many people don’t even want to admit it exists. When someone shows signs of anger you frequently hear " Don’t get angry. Don’t get upset. Calm down. Count to ten. Walk away. Take it easy. " Anger makes us feel uncomfortable. Anger is an uncomfortable feeling. Even though it is an uncomfortable feeling it is another important part of our warning system. When you feel anger it is a warning that you need to do something.

I think that anger is not a primary feeling. I think anger is a reaction to a previous uncomfortable feeling that was felt but not attended to effectively. Frequently we end up angry because we did not deal with the uncomfortable, primary feelings of: frustration, embarrassment, disappointment, rejection, jealousy, fear, sadness or boredom.

On Tuesday morning at 9:00 you experience something that makes you feel l0 pounds of jealousy and you do nothing about it. Probably that 10 pounds of jealously will begin to simmer and stew and eventually become 20 pounds of anger. But if you deal with that 10 pounds of jealousy effectively, the chances are the jealousy will disappear and will not become anger.

A key issue in dealing with anger is to recognize the specific uncomfortable feeling that is causing you to become upset. Some helpful ways of dealing with uncomfortable feelings so they don’t become anger:

1. Feel the feeling.

2. Acknowledge the feeling: "I am upset!"

3. Name the feeling: " I feel Jealous."

4. Validate the feeling: "It is Ok for me to feel jealous. I have a right to feel jealous."

5. Deal with the jealous feeling effectively:

A. Verbally

B. Doing

If you have cut on your finger and you take care of that cut effectively it will not become infected. If you feel uncomfortable feelings and you take care of them effectively they will not become anger.

Young kids seem to have very effective methods of dealing with uncomfortable feelings. Just look at them after they fall asleep at night. They usually "sleep like a baby." Young kids go to bed with their books balanced and their uncomfortable feelings resolved. They don’t twist and turn all night trying to wrestle with unresolved feelings and issues like adults do. Here is how young kids do it:

1. HONEST: They tell you how they feel. " I am mad at you."

2. SPONTANEOUS: They don’t wait. When they feel it they say it.

3. DIRECT: They don’t beat around the bush. They get right to the point.

4. LOUD: They don’t worry about who will hear them. They want to make sure you hear them. And they don’t want to be "shooshed."

5. ALL OF IT: They keep at it until they get all of it.

6. FORGIVE: The can let go of the feeling and move on.

When a child gets into a disagreement with another child in the neighborhood many times the parent will step in and try to resolve the issue through the other parent. Sometimes this involvement leads to big trouble between the two parents. Then the parent will tell their child that they never want that nasty kid in their yard again and they don’t want their child playing with that kid ever again.

Fifteen minutes later your child has forgotten the incident and wants to play with that same kid. How long will it take for the two parents to forgive and move on?

Sometimes our kids can learn from us. Sometimes we can learn from our kids.