Sept. 1998

Snack time at the Hood School was at 10:30. And that was the time when the counseling interns and I would visit the 1st and 2nd grade classrooms. This was a great time to hang out with the kids and chit -chat with the teachers.

I remember visiting a first grade class each day at snack time and always seeing Bobby sitting at his desk while all the other kids were hanging out with their classmates. After a few weeks I asked Bobby’s teacher how he was doing. She said he was a delight. She said he was a teacher’s dream. He was polite, he was responsible, he did his work and never caused trouble in the classroom. She said she would like to have 25 more students just like Bobby.

I began to notice Bobby around the school. In the cafeteria he always sat by himself. At recess he always stayed near the teacher and at gym he was very cautious. I never saw Bobby with other kids. Bobby didn’t seem tense. He didn’t seem afraid. He seemed content to be by himself and did very well with his academic work.

I spoke with the teacher again after the 1st quarter parent conferences and asked the teacher how the parents felt Bobby was doing at school. The teacher said the parents were very pleased with his report card and very happy with Bobby’s progress so far. Well, that’s how Bobby did during first grade. Officially he had done well but he was having a lot of problems with friendship issues.

In 2nd grade after a few weeks of visiting Bobby’s classroom I saw the same isolated behavior with Bobby. I told his 2nd grade teacher what I had observed in 1st grade and told her I was concerned about his social progress. His teacher also began to see Bobby’s caution at school and was also concerned about his inability to make friends.

Before parent conferences I suggested that the teacher tell the parents we were happy about his academic progress but we were concerned about his friendship issues. During the conference the parents became upset when the teacher mentioned our concern . They said they were very happy with Bobby at home. They felt he was a model child. He was very responsible about his chores and never caused trouble at home. When The teacher suggested that I work with Bobby they were shocked. But the teacher persisted and the parents agreed to see me.

I saw Bobby’s mother first. She was embarrassed to see me and said she felt Bobby was just fine and she liked him just the way he was. But she said that if the school felt he needed help she would agree to the counseling.

One week I saw Bobby and his mom and the next week I saw Bobby. Because he needed help with friendship issues I had him pick a "friend" to bring to the counseling room. Bobby would always tell me he couldn’t find a friend to bring down so I would go back to the room and help him find one.

In the counseling room we always had arts and crafts materials for the kids to make projects. I noticed that Bobby became very inefficient about l5 minutes before he had to return to his class. He would get nervous and stare at the clock. He told me he was worried about being late and getting in trouble with his teacher. As we talked about being late his friend was very helpful. She told him he wouldn’t get in trouble if he were only a few minutes late because she had been late before and nothing happened to her. Bobby said he had never been late in his whole life and was very scared about what might happen.

I talked with his teacher and we arranged to have Bobby be 5 minutes late in returning to class after his counseling session. During the next session I told Bobby he was going to be 5 minutes late for his class. Bobby was very upset but again his friend helped him deal with his anxiety. Bobby watched the clock as we counted the 5 minutes he was late. It took Bobby quite a few times before he saw that the world didn’t end when he was late.

I saw Bobby and his mother until the end of the 2nd grade. We made little progress because mom felt Bobby was doing fine and didn’t want him to change. As long as Bobby did well in his studies and was safe she was very happy.

There are too many kids like Bobby in our schools. They don’t rock the boat. They do what adults tell them to do. But they don’t have a balance about when to please the adults, when to please their peer group and also when to please themselves. When kids can’t fit in with their peer group we need to take a second look.