DE-WINPING THE WIMP

George McGurn

June 16, 1999

James was in the 2nd grade. James was 8. James was doing well with his schoolwork. But his teacher was very concerned about him. She had talked to me about him a few times during the year. She said he was very bright. And he did great with all his schoolwork. But he had no friends. He ate by himself in the cafeteria and tried to hang out with the adults during recess. Even though he had no friends he seemed to be very happy at school.

When the teacher talked with me later in the year she was even more concerned about James. She told me that in all her years of teaching James was the biggest wimp she had ever seen. She said that he was at her desk all day with complaints about the kids teasing him. She said his classmates had changed from ignoring him to picking on him. The teacher said that James did not like his classmates. And now his classmates did not like him. And now his classmates were letting James know that they didn't like him.

His teacher asked me for some direction with James. And I suggested we start a counseling program and try to "de-wimp" James.

Mother was very defensive about the counseling. She told the teacher that she was very pleased with James and liked him just the way he was. But she was a very concerned parent and if the school felt James needed to get involved in a counseling program she would agree.

I began working with James and mother but there seemed to be no energy from James or from mother to change.

The counseling plodded along for a month or so with no progress. And then something happened with mother. She asked to see me without James. And then she proceeded to tell me that she had changed her mind about James. She said that she was concerned about his lack of friends both in school and in the neighborhood.

Mom also began to tell me about the trouble between James and his older sister. Mom told me that his older sister had no respect for James. She called him a "baby" and said that he was an embarrassment to her. I asked mom why she thought the kids in the neighborhood and his sister didn't respect him. She said that James was always whining and complaining about being teased. And that she had gotten into the habit of running around to protect him from kids.

I asked mom what she thought needed to happen for James to be respected. She said that she knew he had to start standing up for himself instead of going to the adults for protection. I asked mom what she needed to do to encourage him to stand up for himself. She said that she needed to back off and give him permission and the encouragement to solve his own problems. She said that she needed to stop treating James like a baby. And she now needed to treat him like an 8 year old.

Well, now I could feel an energy in the counseling room. And suddenly I felt that there was going to be change. We then had James join us in the counseling room. And mom talked directly to him telling him what she liked about him. Then for the first time mom told him that she wanted him to start acting like an 8 year old. She told James that she wanted him to start spending more time with the kids and less time with the adults.

And that was the beginning of the "de-wimping" process. Because the next time I saw mom she had put a plan in motion at home. James had told us that his parents weren't home when he and his sister got home from school. And that his older sister had the key to the house. And when she knew he was in a hurry to go somewhere she would make sure she came home late. And James would have to wait.

James hated to wait. And this added to the trouble between James and his sister. So mom decided to empower James by giving him the key one day and then giving his sister the key the next day. So if his sister kept him waiting on Monday James would have the power to keep her waiting the next time she was in a hurry.

That house key was so important to James. Whenever I saw James in school and he had the "key" he would smile and show it to me.

Well, the house key was only the beginning of mom's new expectations of James. She gave him chores around the house. She gave him an allowance. She encouraged him to sign up for cub scouts. But more important-mom backed off and allowed James to take responsibility for issues between him and his sister and between him and the kids in the neighborhood.

I guess James was ready for change. Because it wasn't too long before he was getting along better with his sister and his friends. And mom told me she had a lot more free time to finally do some of the things for herself that she had been looking forward to doing.