November 1998

It’s that time of the year when we start thinking of turkey, football and giving thanks to people we really care about. It’s interesting to keep track of how many times we say "thank you" to people outside of our family compared to our own family members. When we take the family out to dinner it’s interesting to note how many times we say "thank you" to the host who seats us and to the waiter and waitress who serve our meal. We also have our best "excuse me" ready for any minor emergency.

Compare this to our family meal at home. How many times do we use "thank you" for the family members either preparing or serving the meal? How many times do we say "thank you" to the person who sets the table or clears the table?

In one of our Parenting Workshops we talked about a parent’s reaction when one of our kids spills milk at the table. Parents usually go overboard with the "What’s the matter with you?" or the "Can’t you be more careful?" And then maybe a "I don’t believe you did this again." What would you say to a dinner guest if the guest spilled a drink at the table? " That’s OK. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it." We seem to be quick to criticize our children and again so often we save our most considerate behavior for strangers. Should we give our most considerate behavior to strangers or to our own family?

In our fast-paced family schedule it seems so hard to find time to really appreciate and to thank our children. We seem so busy getting our 5 year-old to be 6 that we don’t take enough time to appreciate the child while he is 5.

I have heard parents say " I’ll be able to relax and appreciate my child when he: Sleeps through the night. When he is finally walking and talking. When he is out of diapers. When he in pre-school. When he is in Kindergarten. When he is in school for a full day. When he gets through adolescence. When he finally graduates from high school. When he finishes college. Oh, I will really, appreciate my child when he gets married and settles down.

Well, the unappreciated child finally does get married. The child moves to Toledo and you seldom see your child again. When do you need to appreciate your 5 year- old child? When do you need to show your appreciation to your 5 year- old child? Your 5 year old child will be 5 for only 365 days. After that your child will never be 5 again. The child has only 365 days to be 5 and you have only 365 days to appreciate your 5 year-old.

I worked with a parent whose 1st grade child was not ready to go on and handle 2nd grade work. The school recommended that the child repeat grade 1 but the parent would not accept this school retention. The parent said that her child would go on to 2nd grade. And if she had to she would work day and night to get him thu school.

By the time I got involved with the family the child was in the 6th grade and the parent had carried him from grade to grade. At this point both she and the child were exhausted from all the years of academic pushing. But when the choice came down to the child repeating 6th grade or moving on to Middle School the parent chose to move him on even though he was not prepared to do Middle School work. How much time do you think this parent had for appreciating her son? How much time to you think the child had to appreciate himself?

Some parents seem to think that there is a short cut to getting their 5 year-old child to be 6. They feel that if they push the child real hard they can find that short cut. So they push really hard. But they are pushing against mother nature. And mother nature says it will take 365 days to get to be 6. Some parents feel that if they get the right resources to help them push then they can find the great short cut. But mother nature won’t be fooled. No matter how hard you push, pull or carry your child it is still going to take 365 days for a 5 year-old to become 6.

Effective parents encourage their children’s progress. But effective parents also respect mother nature. And they know that children grow at very uneven rates. Effective parents know that the 5 year-old child who is appreciated and is shown that appreciation during 365 days of being 5 has a great chance of being a together, successful 6 year- old child.