September 13, 2000

Last week my wife, Gina, and I spent a couple of days with our son, Ross, his wife, Kristin, and their 3 kids in Rhode Island. It’s always interesting for me to see the kids in a real-life situation and how they react in different kinds of activities. Actually, the visit started out on a very bad note for our 3 year old grandson, Danny.

I was taking Danny around to check out the area and we found a boat that belonged to a neighbor on the nearby dock. The neighbors had been very friendly so I felt free to take a fishing net out of the boat to show to Danny. As Danny was waving the fishing net around one of the neighbors came out of the house and began to yell at Danny. I could see that she was just teasing but she was very loud and very animated.

She was yelling at Danny and asking him, "Who gave you permission to take that net? Who told you that you could use that net?" Danny tried to protect himself by saying that I had given it to him. But the neighbor kept yelling at him as she teased him. Finally, Danny didn’t know what to do next so he burst into tears and began sobbing.

When the lady saw the effect her teasing had on Danny she then got very embarrassed and tried to make amends. She tried to explain to Danny that she was just teasing. But he was too upset to hear her. Then Ross and Kristin hurried over to see what the problem was and this made the neighbor who did the teasing even more embarrassed.

Later that afternoon the lady who did the teasing came over to our cottage and apologized again to Danny. She told Danny again that she was just teasing him and she hoped he would not be angry at her and would be her friend. Danny didn’t say anything to the lady. And the teasing incident just kind of left a very awkward feeling for us all.

Teasing can be trouble. Teasing from adults to kids can be big trouble. A parent telling a child that she is going to throw the child’s favorite toy in the river can be very scary for a child. Later, when the parent tells the child that she was only kidding, the parent assumes that this was done in fun and that no harm was done. Some kids can handle that kind of teasing. Some kids get very upset by it.

Because you are in a power position over your child, you really could throw your child’s favorite toy in the river. Your child knows that. And that can cause a lot of anxiety for the child. I have seen some parents use teasing and other forms of humor to express their anger to their children. And they usually justify this by coming back later to say, "I was only kidding."

What if you had a boss who used teasing as a power threat? What if your boss told you at 9:00 in the morning, "I think I am going to phase out your job next week." And then just before quitting time he casually came by your desk and said, "Oh, I was just kidding about phasing out your job." What would you have been thinking about all day at work. Teasing from a power person can be very scary and very threatening.

Our next day on the beach was much better. The kids took their shovels and pails and began to do some digging. I was seated in a comfortable beach chair and my 5 year old grandson, Matt, began to bring me rocks he had dug up. He asked me to "investigate" the rocks. He really liked the word "investigate" and kept using it each time he brought a new rock. We washed the rocks and looked for any unusual lines or colors. Then we grouped them by color and shape.

One of the rocks Matt brought me had a sharp edge. I told Matt that a long time ago people didn’t have steel knives so they sharpened the edges of rocks like this and used them as knives. Later, I heard Mat telling Danny the story of the sharpened rocks.

At one point Danny asked me to do our poem. When I asked him which, one he gave me a "thumb up" sign. That was my signal to begin with, "Little Jack Horner." Danny loves the part where he "stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum."

When we finished the rock project Matt spotted some unusual sea gulls that had a dark brown color. He asked why they weren’t white like the others. We talked about birds and animals using color to blend in with their background so they could hide from their enemies. And this beach had very dark brown sand.

The next morning we saw two adult ducks with that same dark brown color. And as we got closer to them we saw four baby ducks that were standing very still and blending into the dark sand on the beach. The boys could see how the color of the baby ducks protected them.

That afternoon we packed our separate cars and headed to our own homes. It was really nice to be part of the family with the kids around. But It’s also nice for Gina and me to be in our own car with the freedom to go anywhere we want and not have the responsibility of being a parent to young children.