December, l997

Most of the books on Parenting Skills talk about maintaining your control in tense situations. The books recommend "keeping your cool" and not "blowing up" in front of the kids. But what do you do when you have 75 pounds of aggravation in your belly and the kids are piling on about 50 more pounds?

I learned a great technique from a very effective principal I worked with in our school. The technique is called "Selective, Effective Ranting." Paul Perry was a very laid back, quiet, in control at all times kind of guy. He took great pride in never "losing it" under pressure.

But he had never gone nose to nose with the dreaded Arthur. Arthur was only 6 years old but was in the middle of a month-long reign of terror in our school. Arthur had no respect for rules, authority and especially for people who might have the nerve to tell him what to do. Our school had stretched its resources trying to get Arthur to live by our rules. Nothing we did seemed to work. The more we tried to help the harder Arthur fought. Soon Arthur’s rebellion began to upset the whole school.

I didn’t realize it, but Arthur had even upset our "laid back" Principal. The morning after an ugly incident on the playground I noticed our Principal walking toward Arthur’s classroom The students were just walking to their classrooms and the teachers were standing outside their rooms. The school was very relaxed and peaceful.

Then I saw Paul Perry bend down to get close to Arthur. Paul put both hands on Arthur’s shoulders. And then we heard what seemed to be a verbal explosion. Paul was in an actual Rant. He had the volume. He had gestures. He was using the "I" word. I heard the "IF" word. We saw a side of our Principal we had never seen before. The school went into shock. No one had ever seen or even imagined such intensity from our Principal. The teachers retreated into their classrooms and closed their doors. The kids began to buzz. "What’s going to happen to Arthur?" All during the day the staff discussed the "Arthur incident" with disbelief. Paul’s Rant had made a dramatic impression on everyone—including Arthur.

But how effective would Paul’s "rant" have been if Paul had had been a Principal who yelled and screamed every day at everybody?

Rosalie was our neighbor whose first child, Keith, was about l1months old and had just begun to walk. Rosalie was also a very quiet, soft -spoken person. I remember sitting on Rosalie’s lawn hanging out when Keith wandered away toward the street. This street was Route 62 and was busy with cement trucks going back and forth from a local sand pit. Keith was dangerously close to the street when Rosalie screamed, "Keith!" Keith stopped in his tracks, shocked by the intensity and the volume of Rosalie’s scream.

Why did Keith stop? What would Keith have done if Rosalie had been a constant screamer around the house? Rosalie’s volume was effective because it was selective. When you rant and scream all day people begin to tune you out and your message never gets thru.

I think that every parent has the right to "Selective, Effective Ranting." For instance, if you have been reminding your child to pick up his sneakers and he has not responded to your messages. And the sneakers are still all over the floor. You could try a Rant. For your Rant to be successful there are some guidelines you must follow.

l You must be very selective about when to use your Rant. You can’t use it every day.

2. You can’t attack the child’s personality. Use the "I" word instead of the "You" word.

3. Don’t point your "lethal accusatory finger" at the child. Point it at the sneakers.

4. Let the child know how you feel. "SNEAKERS, SNEAKERS, SNEAKERS! I’m being overrun by sneakers. Somebody make them go away!"

5. Be creative: Use drama. Use humor. Use gestures. Use wit. Use high volume. Use low volume.

Use tone. Use pitch. Use exaggeration.

A successful Rant can serve two important purposes. The Rant can get your child’s attention and the Rant can also release a lot of the frustration stored in your stomach.