ROSS AND THE BOTTLE OF SPECIAL WINE

George McGurn

December 8, 1999

In last week's column we discussed strategies for dealing with uncomfortable feelings. When I finished the column I began to think of an incident that caused uncomfortable feelings between my son, Ross, and me. I think Ross was about 8 years old at the time. He was playing outside with some friends. And he became thirsty so he ran into the kitchen and pulled open the refrigerator door looking for a quick drink.

He was in a big hurry to get back with his friends so he was rushing around. Unfortunately, he bumped into a very special bottle of wine I was saving for a very special evening meal with my wife, Gina and me. The bottle of wine rolled out of the refrigerator and hit the kitchen floor. The bottle exploded and sent broken glass and wine all over the kitchen. I was in the kitchen at the time.

I have always been very sensitive to the feelings of my three boys. And I have worked very hard at not insulting, not attacking, not criticizing and not threatening them. So I told Ross that I knew he didn't do it on purpose. The bottle of wine was broken by an accident. No one was hurt. Because the floor was covered with broken glass I told Ross I would clean up the kitchen. And then I told him to go outside and play.

But as I was cleaning up the mess something started happening inside me. I started to mutter to myself about how I was looking forward to that special evening meal with my wife. And that special wine was a very important part of the meal. Now the wine was gone. And as I was muttering to myself l I heard Ross outside laughing and having a great time with his friends. It sounded like he had completely forgotten the incident.

The kitchen was a mess. Broken glass and wine were everywhere. I was on my hands and knees trying to wipe up the wine and get all of the broken glass taken care of. And now I could feel myself getting really upset about this whole thing. I asked my self what was the name of feeling I was feeling. And I said that I was feeling very disappointed. And I was also feeling frustrated with the whole incident.

Well, I knew I needed to do something about the feelings that were growing inside me. So I called Ross back into the kitchen. I pointed to the spilled wine and the broken glass. And then I told him about my disappointment. I told him about the plans Gina and I had for the evening meal. I told him how I had bought a special bottle of wine for the meal. And because of the accident the wine was gone.

I reminded him that I knew the broken bottle of wine was an accident. But I wanted him to know how I felt.

After I said my piece Ross returned to his game. And I returned to my clean up. And somehow I felt a little better inside. I was not as upset. And I guess the disappointment had not turned to anger toward my son for his involvement in the accident.

After the kitchen was clean I began to think about the incident. I wondered if I had made Ross feel guilty. I wondered if I had been unfair with him. I wondered if I had been selfish. And then I thought about my feelings. Did I have the right to feel disappointed? Did I cause this accident?

And then I thought about my responsibility as a role model for my boys. They needed to learn to deal with uncomfortable feelings. And I needed to be their teacher. And this was a great way for Ross to see how I felt about this incident. And this was also a great way for Ross to see how I expressed my uncomfortable feelings to him without insulting or attacking him.

I also thought about the connection between guilt and conscience. I didn't want to make Ross feel guilty. But I did want to make him aware of my feelings in the incident. I wanted him to use this incident to develop a sense of conscience and responsibility. I also wanted Ross to develop of sense of taking responsibility for the consequences of his actions.

If the kitchen floor wasn't filled with broken glass I would have insisted he help me clean the kitchen. I couldn't do that. But at least I could talk with him about the feelings connected to the incident.

Later, as I was reading a book with Ross I felt very comfortable with him sitting beside me. I wondered how I would have felt about him if I hadn't let him know my disappointment about the special bottle of wine.