December 8, 1998

I remember in science class studying "Human Reproduction" and learning about the process of human birth and growth. I never questioned the concept of human reproduction until much later when I began to see that humans do not, in fact, reproduce. When a mother gives birth to a child that child is not an exact copy of the parents. The new baby shares some of the characteristics of the parents but also brings something unique and new to the family. The shared characteristics help us bond together as a family. And the new characteristics add to the health of the family and to the community by bringing diversity into the group.

Mother nature knows that a group of humans or animals or plants that is too similar tends to become weaker and less healthy. Diversity seems to make a group stronger even though its very nature causes disagreement and conflict among humans.

Some parents have an idealized view of what their child is going to be before the baby is born. They may feel the new baby will be just like them. They may feel that their new baby will have the same body, brain, abilities, interests, value system, ideas, feelings, goals and priorities. These parents become very disappointed when their baby begins to develop in ways that are different from them.

People still are puzzled when one child in a large family becomes so different from the rest of the family. Individuals and families are growing and changing each day. If you have 3 children the family your 3rd child enters is so different from the family the other 2 were brought home to. As a parent you change every day. Therefore, each of your children is brought up in a very different family.

A divorce, a major crisis or a serious medical issue can change a family dramatically. And each child is dramatically influenced by changes in the family. I remember working with a tough kid named Joey. The parents and the school were both so disappointed with him. His older sister was a super student and a model citizen. Joey was a disaster. His major goal in life was to rebel against authority. As I worked with him and his family we began to see that his school grades were very important to him. He consistently got the worse grades. It was so important for Joey to officially say to the school and to his parents that "I am angry. I am against you. I will not conform." And he did this through his behavior and through his report card.

Joey told me how "dumb" his parents were. He said that they found a parenting plan to bring up his sister. And it worked great for her. Then they tried to use the same plan on him. It didn’t work for him at all. But the parents wouldn’t change their plan for him even when it turned into a disaster. Joey was different than his sister and needed a different kind of parenting plan that met his individual needs.

In our Parenting Workshops we talk about the difference between sympathy and empathy. We describe sympathy as feeling the same feelings as another person. A sympathetic listener can feel the same feelings as the speaker. Empathy focuses more on understanding the feelings of the speaker. The empathetic listener understands the feelings of the speaker but does not have to feel those same feelings. I worked with a 6th grade girl and her family about the issue of sympathy which was causing big trouble in the family. Donna was looking for a lot of attention and especially sympathy from her mother.

Donna would start the morning by telling Mom how sad she felt. Mom was a very sensitive, caring parent who wanted to help her daughter so much. Donna would say, " I feel so sad today." Mom would listen in a sympathetic way and soon Mom would feel so sad too. Then they would both sit around the house feeling sorry for each other. Then it was too late to go to school. Now they would spend the rest of the day with their sadness and their sorrow.

Mom was a very bright parent and it didn’t take her long to see what was happening in her family. She saw how her sympathetic approach to Donna was causing the whole family to get stuck in a circle of sadness. Mom was receptive to a using much more empathy and much less sympathy in her listening with her daughter. Later, when Donna would begin her morning by telling Mom how sad she felt. Mom would say , "I understand that you feel sad. And I am sorry that you feel sad. But today is Monday and you are going to school. And I am feeling great this morning and I’m looking forward to my day at work."

Effective parents encourage their children to be part of the family. But effective parents also understand that everyone in the family is a unique person. And all family members need to develop in their own way and with their own personal ideas and feelings.