January 10, l999

It drives us crazy when our kids don’t listen to us. Parents are always telling me, "If kids would only listen to adults and do what we tell them to do it would be so much easier." Well, sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. And when you really think about all the silly things we have told our kids over the years, thank heaven they didn’t listen to all of it. Most parents try very hard to get their kids to listen and respect them. And they also try to get their kids to listen and respect other adults. But sometimes kids need to ignore what people tell them.

In the first session of our Parenting Workshops we talk about Rebecca, a 12 year-old girl from Pittsfield. Rebecca’s mother talked a lot with her about taking care of herself on the street. She taught Rebecca what to do if someone tried to "grab" her. She taught Rebecca to, "kick, punch, bite and do anything to get away." I guess Rebecca learned her lesson well because one morning in January as she was walking to school she was confronted by a man who pulled out a gun and told her to get into his truck. Rebecca knew she was in trouble. Rebecca also knew this was not a time to do what she was told to do. Then she thought about what her mother had taught her. And she also thought about what her DARE Police Officer had taught her about "Yell, run and tell."

Instead of doing what this adult told her to do she devised a plan to escape. She said she faked losing her breath and then sat down and took off her back pack. When the man reached for the backpack, Rebecca ran down the hill toward a janitor who was clearing snow in a driveway. Later that day the police tracked down the truck and arrested a man named Lewis Lent who they suspected to be a serial killer. By being disobedient and disrespectful to an adult, Rebecca had saved her life.

Teaching our children to " just do what they tell you to do" can be very dangerous. Our kids need to know how to protect themselves on the street. Our kids are going to come into contact with some adults who may tell them to do something that could be very hurtful or go dead against our family values. Also, our children are going to face the dilemma of either going along with the family value system or pleasing the peer group by doing something outside the family value system. Kids need to be able to tell their peers that they can’t go along with the group because they would be in big trouble with their parents.

Kids need to develop the wisdom to know when to go along with what people tell them. And they also need to know when to say "no." We don’t want our kids to get into a truck with a stranger . We don’t want our kids to go along with the group that is hurting another kid. We don’t want our kids to go along with the group that is doing drugs or alcohol.

Well, how can our kids develop this wisdom. You guessed it. You can start right at home by discussing with your kids what the family values are. And with kids "talk is cheap." Kids will learn their real family values by watching what their parents actually "do" in real- life situations. And not by what the parents "tell their kids to do."

Teaching family values thru actual family experiences is a great technique. Kids are very interested in real-life stories told by their parents to reinforce a family value. " At work today I found a wallet with a lot of money in it. I began to think about all that money and what I could do with it. Then one of my co-workers said that I should keep the money because "finders are keepers." But then I realized that it was not my money and belonged to someone else. I found a driver’s license in the wallet and was able to find the owner. She wanted to give me a reward. But I told her the smile on her face was reward enough." That’s how kids really learn about family values.