July 11, 2001
Bobby is five years old and it’s
time for his first day of kindergarten.
But he doesn’t want to get on that bus and go to school. Bobby is very honest and very open with his feelings so he yells
at his mother, “I am not getting on that bus.”
Mom takes Bobby by the back of the jacket and physically puts him on the
bus and Bobby is on his way to school.
His kid sister watched this
confrontation about the bus and she learned something very important about what
happens when a child openly defies an adult.
Next year when it’s her turn to go to kindergarten she doesn’t want to
get on that bus either. But she
remembers Bobby’s disaster and tries a different technique. “Mom, I don’t feel too good. My stomach is really upset. I think I am going to throw up.” And now her concerned Mom says, “ Annie, I
don’t think this is a good way to start school. Why don’t you go back to bed and we will start school tomorrow
when you feel better.” Annie has
learned the power of passive-aggressive behavior.
When I worked in the schools we had a lot of
aggressive-aggressive kids who gave us trouble. These kids would break rules and openly defy the authority in the
school. But we had consequences for
their behavior and techniques for dealing with these kids so we could handle
them. These kids were pretty easy to
understand because they were so open about their feelings and their behavior.
But the kids who really drove us nuts were the passive-aggressive
kids. These were the kids who were
smart enough to know that you can’t win when you go head-to-head with an adult. These kids never broke a rule. But they really knew how to bend a
rule. And when a teacher took one of
these kids to the principal’s office there was very little evidence to convict
them of any misbehavior.
I happened to be meeting with our principal one day when an
irate teacher dragged her third grade student into the office. She said that he had been driving her crazy
all morning and he was really upsetting her classroom. When the principal asked what he actually
was doing to upset her, she thought for a while and then she said that he had
been sharpening his pencils all morning.
Well, sharpening pencils in class doesn’t sound like such a
terrible offense. But passive-aggressive kids have developed
the art of pencil sharpening into a cruel weapon. You just have to be there to hear the grinding and squeaking that
can drive you crazy.
And the great thing about the pencil sharpening trick is
there is no compelling evidence to convict you. The student told the principal, “I was just sharpening my pencil.” The principal asked the teacher if he had
done anything else. And when she couldn’t
think of anything else, the case was dismissed. And the passive-aggressive wins again.
When I worked in our middle school we had a kid named Michael. He was just a little guy. He was very quiet. But he was the toughest passive-aggressive I knew. He had no friends and he was not involved in
any social activities. So he chose to take
on our authority as his hobby. And he
had plenty of time to do it.
When he was in the 7th grade he drove his teachers
crazy by writing his papers in the worst possible penmanship. He purposely made it difficult for the teachers
to read his work. I remember a tough 8th
grade teacher said that he would put a stop to Michael’s penmanship trick when
he was in his class.
When Michael was in the 8th grade he had the
tough Mr. Anderson as his social studies teacher. And when Michael passed in his first sloppy paper to Mr. Anderson,
the challenge was on. Mr. Anderson told
Michael that he was going to stay after school and re-do the paper. Michael did stay after school and he re-did
the paper. But it was even worse that
the original messy paper.
Mr. Anderson was taking graduate courses in Boston and had
to be out of the school by 4:30.
Michael had nothing on his calendar except harassing authority
figures. After the 4th re-copy of the paper at 4:29 in the
afternoon Mr. Anderson had to leave the school. And our quiet passive-aggressive
rolled over another victim.
Before Michael moved on to the high school he had one more challenge
for us. He began speaking in a very
heavy British accent. The teachers knew
he was taunting them and he soon found himself in the principal’s office again. And again the principal began to search for
evidence of a violation of the student code of behavior. And we know that the principal found nothing
in the handbook that addressed a student speaking in a British accent. And we know that our passive-aggressive
Michael beat the system again.
As parents we don’t want our kids to use Michael’s
frustrating passive-aggressive techniques.
And we don’t like to hear our
kids express their uncomfortable feelings to us. But the only way we are
going to be able to understand what our kids are really feeling is to encourage
them to express their uncomfortable feelings openly and honestly. And then
we can come up with a strategy for dealing with these uncomfortable feelings.