Parents as True Teachers

November, l997

So many of the books on Parenting Skills have the parent stumbling through the role of parenting with such an ineffective and even a chaotic relationship with their children until the all-knowing childhood expert arrives on the scene and enlightens the parent. I have worked in the area of Family Skills for 25 years and fortunately have had the privilege of working with so many very effective and very talented parents and children who have taught me the skills and techniques I have been using.

Two years ago I was leading a Parenting Workshop in North Reading where a very insightful father told the class about his 6-year-old son, Robby, being invited to a birthday party. Dad told his son he would take him to the Mall later and they would buy the birthday- boy a present. Robby told his Dad he wouldn’t need to buy a present because he already had one for his friend. He told Dad ,"Every time Mark comes to play with me he always plays with my old yellow truck. So I am going to give him the yellow truck." Dad told Robby that friends don’t give "junk" gifts and that they would buy Mark a truck that was nice and new. But Dad thought for a while about his son’s idea and began to see how the old yellow truck would be a gift that Mark might really appreciate. On the day of the birthday party Robby wrapped some ribbon around his old yellow truck and even included his own hand-written card. When it was time to open the birthday presents Mark unwrapped so many new, shiny and very expensive gifts. But I think Mark knew that Robby’s old yellow truck was a gift direct from Robby to Mark without any adult interference. If parents take the time to listen they can learn so much from their children. When counselors take the time to listen to parents and children they can learn too.

My wife, Gina, has been a very creative and very effective parent. I remember a crisis we encountered around Halloween when our Son, Brian, was about l0 years old and just beginning a treatment of braces for his teeth. The orthodontist insisted on Brian avoiding sweets and especially candy. Brian was known for his ability to collect "trick or treat" candy during Halloween. But that year Brian had lost interest in Halloween because he knew the candy was out. Gina sat down with Brian and worked out a solution to the "trick or treat" crisis. They decided to design an exchange system where Brian could collect all the candy as usual and redeem the candy at home for a variety of non-sugar prizes.

Recently during a Parenting Workshop in Danvers we were discussing the never-ending hassle of trying to decide with the kids which clothing would be appropriate for the day. One mother had grown tired of debating what temperature constitutes "too hot" and what temperature constitutes "too cold." She now sends the kids outside in the morning to get a first-hand feel for the weather and then they have permission to pick clothing that they think is appropriate for the weather.

Parenting experts can help us acquire information, knowledge, skills and techniques to help us become more effective parents. But knowing what skills to use, when to use these skills and just how much of these skills to use requires Wisdom. Wisdom comes from knowing yourself and your children better than anyone else. No expert can teach you Wisdom. You are the final authority on knowing what is best for your family. And that’s what makes parenting such a tough responsibility.