George McGurn

October 4, 2000

My son, Ross, his wife Kristin, and their three kids were over for a visit last week. Matt had a new book and the boys wanted to do some reading with me in their favorite reading chair. We did a new "Buzz Light year" book for a while and then it was time for some hide and seek. Matt, who is 5 years old has a very logical mind and he uses it well in any kind of game. We divided into teams with Matt and his 3 year-old- brother, Danny, on one team and I was on the other team.

When it was my turn to hide I went upstairs and hid in my closet. There were a lot of possible hiding places in the room so I thought it would take them a while to find me. But when the boys came into the room they came directly to the closet and found me.

I asked Matt how he found me so quick. He told me he knew he didn’t have to look in most of the good hiding spots because he knows my bones are pretty stiff and don’t bend too good. And he figured the only place I could hide and stand up would be in the closet. I love to see the kids use their brains so well to solve problems.

Well, it was time to eat so we all sat down at the dinner table. And then a strange thing happened. Danny asked his mother for some peas. But he got confused and called them beans. Kristin didn’t say anything about this mistake. She just passed him the peas. I waited for someone to correct Danny but no one said a word. I couldn’t believe it. Even Matt knew that Danny was wrong.

I was getting a little upset about the beans and the peas but I didn’t want to interfere. Ross and Kristin are great parents but they seemed to have missed the boat with the beans and the peas. I was just thinking to myself. How could these parents be so cruel? How could let this poor kid go thru life not knowing the difference between peas and beans?

I couldn’t enjoy the meal because I was feeling so bad for poor Danny. Then after the meal the boys headed upstairs for their bath and Kristin made a big announcement. She told us that Danny now could put on his pajamas all by himself. Well, Danny was just beaming as he slipped into his pajamas. And he even took a bow as we all applauded.

But I took a close look at those pajamas. And I could clearly see that the pajama tops were on backwards. I couldn’t believe it. Here we were applauding and the poor kid has pajamas on with the tag under his chin. And I could see that his parents weren’t going to say anything to Danny. I felt like screaming. How could these well-meaning parents do this to their boy.

How could a child sleep with pajamas on backwards. He probably would twist and turn all night. He would never be able to get comfortable with that top on wrong. Poor Danny. I guess he will have to go thru life not knowing the difference between beans and peas and never learning to put his pajamas on right.

We talked about these two issues last week in our parenting workshops. And a few parents got a little nervous. We talked about how so many parents seem to feel the need to immediately correct any mistakes their kids make. They seem to want their kids to be perfect and figure that if they correct all their mistakes as soon as they make them they will be on their way to being great kids.

It’s so hard for so many parents to close their eyes and ignore the small mistakes. They have trouble giving kids enough time to figure out their mistakes for themselves and allow the kids to correct their mistakes when they are ready. Parents want the mistakes corrected when the parents are ready. And that puts a lot of pressure on the kids and the parents.

When will Danny learn the difference between peas and beans? He will learn the difference when he is ready. And as long as he keeps asking he will learn pretty soon. When will Danny learn to put his pajama tops on right? Again, he will learn when he is ready. And as long as he keeps on trying he will learn pretty quick.

We know that too much interrupting, too much correcting and too much criticizing will turn off a child from trying. And the role of the parent is to encourage the child to keep on trying. Because as long as he keeps on trying, eventually he will get it right.

One parent told us in class that kids need to have a place in their home where they can begin to learn new tasks. And as they begin their learning they need to be able to make mistakes without being corrected. They need to feel free to take risks and experiment with different problem solving techniques without being interrupted, corrected or criticized.

We talked about adults trying a new task and having trouble figuring it out. The adult would try it this way. And then try it that way. And when it didn’t work he would get frustrated and put the task down for a while. But then the adult would get another idea and return to the task and eventually figure it out. And then the adult would experience a feeling of great satisfaction.

But you never feel that great satisfaction unless you sweat and struggle -unless you feel frustrated and you make mistakes-unless you put some time into solving your problem.

Some kids never feel that sense of satisfaction because as soon as they begin to whine and sweat and show signs of discomfort a helping adult appears and solves their problem for them. And when the helping adult leaves, the kids will think how lucky they are to have a parent around who is so smart. But then they will start to think that maybe they will need that parent around always because they are not very smart.

In order for kids to learn to become effective learners and workers, they need parents around like Ross and Kristin who have the wisdom to close their eyes, cross their fingers and let their kids use their brains to figure things out for themselves.