PARENTS FIND NEWS SKILLS AND A NEW ATTITUDE

George McGurn

April 12, l999

Last week we completed our 6 week parenting workshops in Beverly and in Danvers. During the last session we take time to evaluate our program and take a look at what we have accomplished. We discuss what was helpful and what was not helpful. We also talk about how the program could be improved. But most important the parents talk about how they have changed since taking the workshop.

I find that it is very helpful for the parents to tell the group how they have changed. And it is also helpful for the group to her each other tell of changes. It is also helpful and very rewarding for me to hear about their progress.

This week we heard parents talk about using less probing questions and more safe, descriptive statements at home. We heard parents talk about using the "I" word and not the blaming "you word." We heard parents using "I hope" instead of "did you". We heard parents not using money, material goods and food to encourage change. Instead, they are now using the universal reinforcers of words, feelings and privileges.

One of the mothers said she had given up her role in the house as a maid. And now she was able to step back and allow her children to take more responsibility for their lives. The kids didn't do their chores as well as she did them. But she is able to, "close her eyes, cross her fingers and remind herself that the kids need time to practice their work without fear of contradiction or correction before the work improves. "

Another parent said she has a list of new and creative words on the refrigerator. She said the family members are trying to break the monotony of using the same tired words to each other. A parent said that she has stopped treating her kids equally and the same. She now realizes that they are all different and should be treated as individuals.

A lot of the parents said that they were listening to their children a lot more and allowing them to express their ideas and feelings more. Many of the parents said they were much more patient with their children now. One of the parents said that she had been so harried in the morning because of trying to get her kids ready for school. She said now she has given her children much more responsibility for getting ready for school. And now while they get ready for school in the morning she has time to read a magazine.

One parent said that she used to pay attention to her kids only when they misbehaved. Now she makes a point of "noticing" their positive behavior and telling them about it. One of our homework assignments in the workshop was to take a look at the kind of messages we are sending to our kids during the week. They compared the number of "watch out" messages to the number of "go for it" messages they send to their kids. One parent said that she now has dramatically increased her "go for it" messages in the home.

During our workshop we used a lot of humor as a teaching technique. Some of the parents said that they were now trying to be less serious around the house and to use much more humor. One parent said she had become much more "playful" with her children.

One of the mothers said that she talked with her children about each topic we discussed in the workshop. She said her children were very interested in what other families were doing with issues of privileges and responsibilities. And she said her children were much more inclined to accept a suggestion if it came from the parents in the workshop instead of from her.

While many of the parents talked about learning new skills, many of the parents also talked about having their own skills they were using at home before the workshop validated by the group experience. Some parents said that hearing that other parents were dealing with the same problems as they were, made them feel that they were not alone in this area.

One parent was disappointed that she had completed the workshops and there was still conflict in her home about the same old issues of cooperation, sibling rivalry and responsibility. The group reminded her that parenting is never over as long as you have kids in the house. But the new skills can lessen the amount of conflict and allow the parent to deal with conflict more effectively.

As always there was a great story from a parent. One father told me after a workshop that his youngest son was in a foul mood at home. When dad tried to talk with him his son told him he hated dad. Dad said that was OK because his son could love him and hate him at the same time. The oldest son heard the exchange and said to his younger brother, "You better listen to Dad. He's probably right. Because he's been learning a lot of new stuff at parent school."