George McGurn

November 15, 2000

We just wrapped up our Parenting Workshops in Danvers, Beverly, Peabody and Salem. The same topic was offered 4 nights a week in 4 different communities so a parent who was tied up on one night during the week could attend the workshop in 3 other communities on a different night. We had some really big turnouts for the workshops and I felt like I was taking a crash course in parenting. I have never been so involved in so many parenting issues over such a short period of time.

On the last session of the series we take time to talk about the workshops and how we have changed our attitudes and techniques. We spent a lot of time focusing on how hurtful it is for kids to be constantly corrected for small mistakes. One mother told me she allowed her son to wear his pajama tops on backwards for a whole week. She said it was very difficult for her to bite her tongue but she did it. And she was amazed to find out that it didn’t seem to bother his sleep pattern a bit.

Another mother said she allowed her child to walk around the house with his shoes on the wrong foot. When a neighbor pointed this out, Mom said she knew it, and it was no big deal. We agreed that that kids need a safe place where they can make mistakes without being interrupted, criticized and corrected. Then they will feel free to take risks and try new things.

A lot of parents said they were trying to back off on the little things that go wrong in the house. And backing off on the little things seemed to really set a peaceful tone in the house.

We focused a lot of our energy on empowering children. Then when we talked about standing up to a bully it was pretty obvious that there are not enough adults to protect kids from bullies. And the best protection from a bully is to empower your children so they will feel valued and confident. And then they will have the courage to be assertive with a bully.

The textbooks usually say that a child should go to an adult when a bully is bothering him. But in real life that just doesn’t work. The best protection from a bully is for a child is be assertive and hang out with the assertive kids. And when a bully does pick on your assertive child, the child can go to other assertive friends and stand up to the bully as a group.

As adults we seem to have opposite feelings about telling kids to go to an adult if a bully picks on them. It’s curious to note the nicknames we have for people who go to the authority figures when they are being picked on. The nicknames are not very pleasant: tattle tale, cry baby, squealer, informer, whistle blower, fink, stool pigeon and rat.

We spent a lot of time trying to get kids to take responsibility for their chores at home and for their schoolwork. One parent said he got tired of his kids saying they forgot to do their chores so he now gives them a list of what has to be done. He says their memory is much better now.

One of the favorite lines we heard in the workshop was, "If you cooperate with me, I will cooperate with you. And if you don’t cooperate with me I won’t cooperate with you." Another common response was that the parents were trying to think before they said or did something to remind themselves about breaking old bad habits.

The parents tried to avoid using money, material goods, food or drink as reinforcers to change behavior. They now use words, feelings and privileges.

I try to use a lot of humor in my teaching style. And many of the parents said they were also trying to lighten up at home. We talked about having some fun with kids and enjoying and appreciating them more. One parent said that her five year old child will be 5 for only 365 days. And then the child will never be 5 years old again. So you only have 365 days to enjoy and appreciate your five year old child.

When we did setting effective limits we agreed that we can’t change our children directly or instantly. But we can begin to change ourselves right now and then the children will react to our change. And sometimes our techniques are not going to work on our children right away. Sometimes it may take a while before we see results. But we know if we keep trying with the appropriate techniques, eventually we are going to get the results we want.

I love it when parents give me colorful words. Some parents said they stopped badgering and hounding their kids. They are now able to allow their kids to do more for themselves. And then they close their eyes, cross their fingers and hope that their child’s skill will improve quickly.

During the workshops we talked about dealing more effectively with anger. When a parent is carrying around a lot of anger it’s so difficult to deal with children effectively. We talked about identifying our own primary feelings like disappointment and jealously and then dealing with those feelings so they won’t become fuel for anger later on.

For the first time I heard some parents say they were trying to get "hip to hip" with their kids. We did a technique where a child was asking for a $65,000 boat as a gift. One reaction would be to get in the child’s face and call him a selfish brat. Another reaction would be to get "hip to hip" with your child, put your arm around him and tell him that it would be just great to buy that boat. And then we could go cruising down the lake together and have so much fun.

I heard a lot of comments about parents who stopped being the maid in the house. And I also heard a few parents say they were able to stop using the "did you?" words about homework and now use "I hope." One parent said had given up his role as the homework warden at home. Now he was the homework cheerleader complete with pom poms.

This same dad had a great sense of humor. When I asked him how the course could be improved, he said that his bones weren’t what they used to be. And he reminded me that the parents were sitting for an hour and a half on chairs designed for 5^th grade kids. So half way thru the evening he wanted us to take a 7^th inning stretch.

I will be offering another free six week series of parenting workshops in North Reading beginning Monday November 13. Any one interested can contact me at 927 2437 or by E mail.