NEAL THOUGHT HE WAS 36 YEARS OLD

George McGurn

May 17, 2000

Neal was 6 years old. He was in the 1st grade. And he was having a lot of trouble getting along in school. He had a really tough time concentrating on his own work at his own desk. It was more important for him to tell the other kids how to do their work. The kids didn't like Neal acting like a teacher. And the teacher didn't like him telling the kids what to do.

When the teacher told the students to quiet down, Neal would stand up and say, "She said for you kids to quiet down." Neal thought he was one of the adults in the class. And he sure acted like an adult.

When Neal was on the playground during recess he also had trouble. Instead of taking part in the games being played by the kids he would supervise and try to resolve all the disputes. Somehow Neal thought he was in charge of the kids.

After a major confrontation between Neal and his teacher, Neal was referred to me for counseling. I began to work with Neal and his parents to try to help Neal. His parents told me that they divorced shortly after his birth. And Neal divided his week living with his mother for part of the week and then living with his father the rest of the week.

The parents had not re-married so Neal spent most of his time at home with one adult. At the dinner table he ate with only one parent and he was exposed to a lot of grown-up talk with his mother and also with his father.

I remember one day Neal told me he had never been in the back seat of a car. He told me that his mother was a bad driver. And that his job was to watch the road for her while she drove. Mother said that he was a real help to her in the car and at home.

She felt that they were a great team at home. Mom and Neal shared most of the work around the house. They had divided the chores. She was in charge of some of the work. And Neal was in charge of the other work.

Dad also told me that Neal was a great companion. Dad said that Neal had a real "mature" understanding of world events. And that he understood issues far beyond his age of 6 years. Dad loved to discuss world issues with Neal.

Neither parent had complaints about Neal's work around the house. But both parents felt that they had major problems trying to get Neal to take direction from them. Neal was a very efficient worker as long as he was the boss. But Neal would not accept adults trying to tell him what to do. Neal felt that he was one of the adults. And that he was on the same power level as the adults in his life.

Both of Neal's parents were 36 years old. And they treated Neal like a 36 year-old adult. And Neal now acted like a 36-year-old adult.

Well, I would like to write a happy ending to this story. But that was not the case. The parents told me that they would cooperate and work together to help Neal. But that didn't happen. Most of the appointments with the parents were canceled by them. But my counseling intern and I continued to work with Neal during that school year. Sometimes we saw Neal alone. But usually we would have him bring a student from his classroom into the counseling room.

Neal was so different in these two settings. When he was alone with us he was so comfortable. He could converse with us. He would ask insightful questions. And he could express his ideas and feelings so well.

But when he brought a 1st grade classmate into the counseling room he was so uncomfortable. Neal tried to be friendly with his guest. But he didn't have a clue. He would never ask his guest what he wanted to do. Neal always told his friend what he thought he should do.

Neal didn't know how to converse with his friend. Neal had trouble waiting his turn. Neal had trouble sharing. Neal had trouble doing "give and take." And after a while most of the kids in his classroom didn't want to come to the counseling room with him.

Well, the year came to a close. And Neal had made very little progress with accepting himself as a 6-year-old. He continued to have major conflicts with his teacher and with his classmates. I did get together with the parents one last time at the end of the school year. And they said they were very disappointed with the results of the counseling program.

I was also disappointed with the results of the counseling program. My counseling intern and I had worked very hard with Neal to help him. But we needed a lot more cooperation from his parents to see real progress. Neal had been treated as an adult at home. And he tried to act like an adult in school. This was big trouble for Neal. But it was the only way he knew.

It's great to have a child who acts very "mature" sometimes. But when a 6-year-old kid thinks he is 36 years old he is in for big trouble. The only 6-year-old kids I have seen who are really successful and happy are the ones who act like 6-year-old kids.