October 10, 2000

Parents get awfully frustrated when their kids don’t do things their way. I have had a lot of parents tell me a that if their kids would only listen to them and do things their way the family would get along so much better. When I was working with kids they would tell me the same story. They would say that if only their parents would listen to them and let them do things their way the family would get along so much better.

Who is right? Well, we all know that this is a difficult issue for families to deal with.

I have worked with some families where the parents wanted complete control of family. The parents would set all the rules in the family and spend the rest of their lives trying to enforce all the rules. Some of the families ran their family like a prison. And usually the kids would react like prisoners.

When kids live in a family where the parents want complete control, kids can react in two opposite ways. If the kids don’t have a strong foundation they can give up and give in to the authority of the parents. And sometimes this means that the kids stop thinking for themselves. They stop trusting themselves. And they usually stop valuing themselves. These kids then depend on adults to make decisions for them just like they have been taught at home.

But some of kids who live with parents who want total control have enough courage to fight the authority of the parents. I have seen some real ugly family battles between thick-headed parents and stubborn kids.

Sometimes this struggle for power can go on for a very long time. And sometimes this power struggle becomes the major focus for the family. When the family spends so much of its time and energy in a power struggle there is very little energy left to meet the basic needs of the family members.

I have worked with other families where the parents did not want to take the responsibility of being a parent and allowed the kids to run the family. In this type of family the kids become the parents. And this puts tremendous pressure on young kids to make adult decisions. In this kind of family there is very little security. And with no adult leadership the family loses its direction.

Both are pretty extreme situations. And neither one will have very effective results.

We want our kids to become independent. And we want our kids to learn to make responsible decisions. And the only way to do this is to give our kids some opportunities within the family to make these decisions. Parents can give their kids choices in which cereal they want for breakfast. Kids can decide on what fruit they want. They can choose their type of dessert.

Parents and kids can negotiate which TV programs are acceptable and then they can allow kids to choose which of these approved TV programs they would like to watch..

Parents can approve of the type of haircuts and the type of clothes that would be acceptable and then give their kids a choice within these options. I remember a mother telling me that when her 12 year-old son began middle school he wanted to wear extreme baggy clothes. She said she hated the "baggy" look. But she and her son negotiated a deal where he could have a choice of wearing a baggy top or a baggy bottom. But not both at the same time.

Parents can offer a number of social activities that would be acceptable and the child could choose an activity within that list. When kids are given choices in their family they feel valued and respected.

But sometimes effective parents don’t offer their kids a choice. Sometimes kids need to go along with the rules of the parents without negotiation. "Today is your Grandfather’s birthday and we are all going to visit him." And when your child complains about never getting to do things his way, you can point out all of the decisions that you allowed him to make. And remind you child that in this family sometimes you do it my way and sometimes you do it your way.

Most kids would tend to accept going along with the rules of the parents a little better if they know that sometimes they can also do things their way.

Another give and take situation has to do with keeping rooms in the house clean and neat. Parents own the house and have a long-term investment in keeping it looking good. Kids are more like tenants or even transients in the house. They will live there for a few years and then move on. Kids have a different priority for keeping the house clean than the parents do.

One of the techniques I have seen to be successful is to allow the kids some slack in their own bedroom for keeping it clean. They can pretty much determine how they want to keep their own bedroom. But the parents decide on how clean and neat the shared rooms will be kept.

It’s no big deal if a parent has to step over a pair of sneakers in a kid’s room. But it’s an insult when a parent has to step over a wet towel in a shared bathroom.

Effective parents usually choose a middle path about who makes the final decision on family matters. Sometimes the kids are expected to do it like their parents tell them. And other times the parents allow the kids to do it their way