MOO COWS AND ANGER

George McGurn

December 1, 1999

I remember when there were a lot of farms around the North Shore. I remember taking my boys to see the cows at the Cherry Hill Farm in Beverly. And I remember driving thru Danvers and Middleton in the morning and seeing cows grazing in the pastures. When I drove by again at noon they would still be there. And they would still be grazing. Even when I drove by in the evening the cows would still be doing nothing but grazing on the grass in the fields.

I used to think that cows were just lazy and they had no ambition. But when I got to know them better they opened up to me and told me about their problem. They said that a lot of them were Red Sox fans and would love to go to Fenway and watch a few games. But they had no time. Some of the cows had a list of books they would like to read. But they had no time to go to the library. Some of the cows loved music and would enjoy attending a few concerts. But there was no time.

It seemed that moo cows were cursed with a very inefficient digestive system. And because of this the cows had to spend all of their life eating and digesting. Too bad. They missed so much in life. They could have done so much more. But they were stuck with eating and digesting 24 hours a day.

This may sound a little silly. But there are a lot of people who are also stuck in life. These people seem to be cursed with a very inefficient way to deal with anger. They are just like the moo cows. When you see these people in the morning they are angry. When you see them at noon they are angry. And even when you see them in the evening they are still angry. Their anger seems to control their life. The angry people miss a lot of the good life. These angry people are not aware of the great people they come in contact with and the great opportunities they have.

When angry people read the newspaper they see only the bad news. Their anger colors their view of life and causes them to focus on anything negative. Their anger causes them to ignore anything kind or caring that is offered to them. They focus on anything negative that will give them an excuse for venting the anger inside of them.

It's no fun being around angry people. And pretty soon they usually find them selves alone. And this gives them another excuse to become more angry about people who have the nerve to ignore them. These people are consumed by their anger. And unless they change their technique of dealing with their anger they will miss out on all the good things in life.

Anger is very difficult to deal with. By the way, anger is only one letter away from danger. And most of us are very cautious about even admitting we are angry.

One of the problems in dealing with anger is that it is usually caused by a primary feeling that came before it. Some of the primary feelings that cause anger are: frustration, embarrassment, disappointment, rejection, jealousy, fear, loneliness, confusion, boredom and sadness. If you feel lonely at 9:00 in the morning and call a friend you have dealt effectively with the feeling of loneliness. The lonely feeling goes away. And the lonely feeling can't turn into anger.

But if you don't deal effectively with the feeling of loneliness, this feeling will continue for a while as loneliness. But as the days move on the feeling of loneliness will then turn into anger. And this new anger will join any unresolved anger you have in your system. And when anger has been in your system for a long time it seems to disconnect itself from the actual event that caused it. And if you can't recall what caused your anger it is so hard to resolve it.

If you try to deal with the general feeling of anger you are usually too late to deal with it effectively. It is so much more effective to identify the present feeling you feel. And then you can name the specific feeling. And when you name the specific feeling you can develop a strategy for dealing effectively with it.

In our parenting workshops we save anger for our last topic. By the 6th sessions our group usually has developed enough trust to be more open about our true feelings. And most of us can be honest about our own anger.

These are the steps we use to deal more effectively with anger:

1. Feel the primary feeling.

2. Acknowledge the feeling. " I am upset."

3. Name the feeling. "I feel lonely."

4. Validate the feeling. "I have good reason to feel lonely."

5. Deal effectively with the feeling of loneliness.

6. Let it go. Move on