The Jessica Technique, Using Familiy as Punching Bags

September, l997

So much of the friction within the family actually has little to do with disagreements among family members but comes from unresolved conflict outside the family.

Unfortunately, for many families a very convenient way to discharge unresolved conflict is to take it out on other family members. It is so common to "kick the cat," bother your sibling, pick on your spouse or criticize your child when you are frustrated by outside conflict.

I remember that special day when my first grandchild was born. Jessica and I very quickly became best friends and shared a very special relationship. But I also remember when she was about l5 months old when I was babysitting and she was showing off her new skill of pushing a laundry basket around the house all by herself. She was so proud of her pushing and I was so proud just watching her.

But disaster soon struck. Jessica pushed the laundry basket into the dining room and became stuck in a corner. She tried to free herself but couldn’t. She became very frustrated then exploded into a temper tantrum, with crying, screaming and kicking.

I couldn’t console Jess. She was so disappointed that her new trick did not work out. The crying, screaming and kicking ruined the afternoon for her and also for me.

The next month I was baby sitting Jessica again when she began pushing her favorite laundry basket. Again she was so proud as she moved around the house all by herself. But disaster struck again. Again she became stuck in a corner.

I put my fingers in my ears and waited for the temper tantrum. But instead, a miracle happened. Jessica looked at the stuck laundry basket. Then she looked at me and said "Grampa, Help!"

I quickly freed the stuck laundry basket and then another miracle happened. She turned to me and said "Thank you, Grampa."

I felt so relieved that the afternoon was not ruined. Then I said, "Jess, remember last month when you got stuck in the corner with your basket and cried and screamed and kicked? That ruined the day for you and also for me. Let’s not do that again ever. Today was so much better for both of us. From now on when we are together if you need help, instead of screaming at me you can ask me for help and I will help you. And when I need help instead of screaming at you I will ask you to help me. And then we will be friends instead of enemies

Here are some suggestion for resolving conflict

l. When you have conflict and tension from outside of your family try to resolve as much of that conflict as you can before you come home.

2. For the unresolved outside conflict that you do bring into the home, be aware of the destructive power of the critical "you" word. "You don’t have a brain in your head. You can’t do anything right. What’s wrong with you."

3. Try to be honest with your frustration and be aware of using the "I" word instead of the "you" word. "I have had a terrible day today. I am still upset about what happened to me at work today."

4. Ask your family for support instead of using them as punching bags. "I am going to need some time to cool off. Honey, you wouldn’t believe what happened to me at work today."

Express your frustration without attacking, threatening, insulting or hurting. Your child will be watching you and will learn a valuable strategy for dealing with frustration.