INDEPENDENT, DEPENDENT AND INTER-DEPENDENT

January, l998

A Mother I was working with talked to me about being "bullied" by her ex-husband. She felt she didn’t have the confidence to stand up to him so she wanted me to work with her two daughters to help them become more independent so they would not be "bullied" when they grew up and got married. I thought about this issue for a long time wondering how much independence alone was going to really help these girls in a healthy spouse relationship. Later, I talked again with Mother about the qualities needed in a successful relationship with a spouse or with any other person. We agreed that her daughters were going to have to develop a lot more than just independence if they wanted to establish healthy personal relationships. Mother and I discussed four important qualities in a healthy personal relationship

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1. INDEPENDENCE: There are times when I should make the decisions about an issue. I hope that you will:

a. Accept my decision.

b. Respect by decision

c. Trust my decision

d. Support my decision.

2. DEPENDENCE: There are times when YOU should make the decisions about an issue. I will:

a. Accept your decision.

b. Respect your decision.

c. Trust your decision.

d. Support your decision.

3. INTER-DEPENDENCE: There are times when WE should make the decisions about an issue TOGETHER. We will:

a. Accept our mutual decision.

b. Respect our mutual decision

c. Trust our mutual decision.

d. Support our mutual decision

4. DISAGREEMENT: When we disagree on who should make the decision or how the decision should be handled we will discuss our disagreement honestly, fairly and respectfully.

In our society in the 90’s we have placed so much emphasis on independence and self-reliance that it is very easy for a person to become so independent that the person becomes disconnected from other people and caught in a very lonely existence. It takes courage to stand up for yourself and become independent. It also takes courage to put your trust in another person and depend on that person. Being dependent and trusting others is a very healthy part of a healthy personality. Sometimes we need to trust ourselves. But sometimes we also need to trust others.

We have this same trust dilemma in a parent-child relationship. It is sometimes difficult to decide on how much to make the children do it YOUR WAY or when to allow the children to do it THEIR WAY. If you go too far in either direction you usually find trouble. If you allow children to do too many things THEIR WAY the children may become very selfish or have difficulty respecting others. If you insist on your children always doing things YOUR WAY your children may lose confidence in their ability to think for themselves and respond only when you tell them to. Or the children may also get fed up with always being told what to do and become rebels.

It is best to try to give your child experience with both THEIR WAY and YOUR WAY. Depending on a child’s age or responsibility level a child needs to have many decision-making experiences . The child could decide on what clothes to wear, what dessert to eat, what recreation activities to participate in, when to do homework, how his bedroom should be decorated and other age—appropriate decisions. But the child also needs to have experience with doing things YOUR WAY. When it is time to attend a special family gathering the child should not have a choice. "I know you don’t want to go but this is Grampa’s special birthday and we are going as a family. You made the decision this morning about what book to choose but going to this birthday party is my decision."

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