PARENTS HELD HOSTAGE

George McGurn

July 28, 1999

Over the years I have heard a lot of parents talk about being backed into a corner by their kids. These parents say they feel like they are being held hostage. One parent in our Workshop told us that she dreads school mornings. She said that she feels it's her responsibility as a parent to make sure her daughter, Amy, gets on the school bus every morning. Mom said she works five days a week and needs to drive to work right after Amy gets on the school bus. So if Amy misses the bus Mom will have to drive her to school. And then Mom will be late for work. And somehow Amy has manipulated this situation to the point that Mother is begging and pleading with Amy to get ready for the school bus.

Mom has been using a variety of strategies and techniques. But she is losing her patience and now every school morning has become a bitter battle of wills. Mom is using the clock bulletins with time announcements every 5 minutes. "It's 7:35. It's almost 7:40. The bus will be here in 11 minutes. " Mom said she is using the grooming reminders. "Have you brushed your teeth yet? Well for heaven's sake hurry up. If you don't get going you're going to miss that bus."

Mom said recently she has gotten desperate in the morning and is now promising Amy presents if she takes care of her responsibilities and gets on the bus on time. But the morning battle continues. And guess who is losing?

In our Parenting Workshops we talk a lot about how difficult it is to get children to change their behavior directly. And that effective parents see themselves as the leaders in their family. And when the parents as leaders change their behavior, their children will react to that change.

A lot of the parents in this Workshop said they had similar problems at home getting their kids ready for the bus in the morning. And they were hoping for some help to solve their problem. Unfortunately, there are only two ways for parents to change the behavior of children. You can make a big deal about the issue and provide negative consequences when they do it wrong. And you can make a bigger deal about the issue and provide positive consequences when they do it right.

After we kicked this issue around a bit we came up with a strategy of combining negative consequences and positive consequences. We suggested that the parent talk to Amy and tell her how much she needed her cooperation in the morning. Mom would also tell her about needing Amy to get on the bus so she could get to her work on time.

Mom would then tell Amy that she was not going to remind her about her grooming or the time in the morning. And IF Amy didn't cooperate with her in the morning Mom was going to feel very disappointed. And Amy was going to be in big trouble when she came home from school in the afternoon. But IF Amy did cooperate in the morning Mom was going to feel really good about it and Mom would be very cooperative with Amy that afternoon when she came home from school.

Mom didn't have the power to change Amy's behavior directly. But by using the powerful IF word she could change her behavior indirectly.

Another parent in the Parenting Workshop said that she felt like a hostage when her daughter would dawdle with her homework and then insist on staying up well after her bedtime to complete her school assignments. Mother felt she had to support the school even though she knew her daughter was just using this as an attention- getting technique to stay up later.

It didn't take the parents in the Workshop long to come up with some strategies for this Mom. One parent said that he used to feel that same pressure when his kids asked to stay up late to complete homework. He said at first he went along with the kids staying up later. But this led to a competition among the kids to see who could stay up the latest. He said that now he handles the homework issue by telling his kids that during school nights they have to stick to their bedtime. And that if they can't complete their homework in the evening they can set their alarm and get up earlier in the morning to take care of their homework.

Another parent told the group that her 2nd grade daughter was very nervous about not being able to finish her homework and getting in trouble with the teacher. This girl was a very slow worker so it took her a long time to complete any homework assignment. She was also a girl who really needed at least 8 hours of sleep at night for her to be effective the next day.

Fortunately, Erin had a very cooperative teacher who suggested that when Erin got stuck on her homework and couldn't complete the assignment Erin could write a note on the homework paper telling the teacher that she had spent the agreed upon time on the assignment.

My editor likes me to wrap up my column with a snappy , summing up paragraph. But today I don't feel one coming on, so I think I will end my column just like this.