Spilled Milk and the Lethal Accusatory Finger

It is a fact of life. When you have kids at the dinner table you are sometimes going to have spilled milk. Most parents accept this fact. But in some families spilled milk is treated as an unforgivable tragedy:

Oh my God. All over my new rug. Timmy. You idiot. How could you do that again? What’s wrong with you? Don’t you ever learn? This is the second time this week. I keep telling you to pay attention. Is that too much too ask? But you never listen. Mr. Know It All. You think you know everything but you act so stupid. You’re getting to be just like your Uncle Louie. You’re worse than the baby. Just look at my rug now. It cost $200 dollars and now it’s ruined. I try to keep this house decent and look what you do to it. I spent three hours cooking this meal and now look at it. Why can’t you be like your sister? She never spills milk and she is only 5 years old. Get away from it. You’ll only make it worse.

What would you have said to your guest if the guest had spilled a drink at the table? What would a waitress or waiter say to you if you are at a restaurant and someone spills a drink? The problem is the spilled milk. The solution is to have the child clean up the mess. "Timmy, get the sponge ." This is not a time for insulting .

In some families the parents get so carried away with the emotional content of the event that they have little common sense left to solve an irritating but common occurrence at the table. Sometimes the insulting and attacking at the table over spilled milk can set the tone for what happens to a child in the family when the child makes a mistake. If the child is insulted for a minor mistake that child might be very cautious about taking a risk in another area because he doesn’t want to risk another attack from his parents. In this family the only way to be safe from mistakes is not to participate.

"Timmy, would you like another glass of milk?" "No thanks. I’ll skip the milk."

"Timmy, how would you like to sign up for cub scouts." " No thanks." "Timmy, how would you like to sign up for little league baseball?" " No thanks."

This child may say to himself: "If they insult me and attack me for a little thing like spilled milk what do you think they would do if I signed up for baseball and then dropped a fly ball?"

Mistakes happen to all of us. As effective parents we need to create a safe climate of emotional security within the family so the child will feel comfortable enough to take a risk, make a mistake and know he will get support and help from his family when he needs it.

THE STUCK WINDOW: Timmy is in trouble again. In the middle of Thanksgiving dinner with all his family and relatives at the table Dad asks poor Timmy to open the dining room window. Timmy can’t get the window up. Everyone is watching . Timmy is pushing but the window won’t go up.

HURTFUL RESPONSE: Focus on the child’s weakness. "What’s the matter with you, Timmy. Are you weak? Can’t you do anything right?" How does Timmy feel? The next time Dad needs help from Timmy how do you think Timmy will respond?

MORE HELPFUL RESPONSE: Focus on the problem window, not the child. " Looks like that window is stuck again. That window never cooperates. Timmy, can I give you a hand." Do you think Timmy knows that Dad took him off the hook? The next time Dad asks help from Timmy how do you think Timmy will respond?"

THE LETHAL ACCUSATORY FINGER: One of the most dangerous weapons a parent can carry is the lethal accusatory finger. With one point you can blow away a child’s confidence.

1. You use it when a child is vulnerable.

2. You point your finger at the child’s face.

3. You load it with sarcasm and criticism.

4. You use the dreaded "You Message." "You are such a liar."

5. The lethal accusatory finger is so destructive you should have a permit to carry it.

If you point your finger make sure you point it at the correct target with an "I" message." "Look at that floor. I want that floor cleaned up!"