June 27, 2001
We’ve had a lot of information written about the role of the
mother in our society so today I would like to focus a little about the role of
the father in our society. I’ve been
wondering about the difference in being a father compared to being a
parent. I guess in some ways they are
pretty much the same. But in other ways
they are a little different. I remember
when our sons were born and I was at the hospital gazing in wonder at them
through a germ-proof window. When I
pointed to my new baby, nurses and other people at the hospital would ask me if
I was the father. They never asked me
if I was the parent. And I guess at
that time I felt like I was a father.
And it was a very special feeling for me.
I thought a lot about the role of a father then and it
struck me that I was the biological father to these sons. And I would be their biological father
forever. And even when I died I would
still be their biological father. And
even if they gained a step-father they could never replace me as the biological
father. That was such a powerful
feeling knowing that my sons and I would be linked forever.
When my wife and I took our sons home from the hospital I
began so see what a parent was all about.
At first being a parent meant that we didn’t have to share our children
with anyone. They were in our home and
we had them all to ourselves. We could
play with them. We could be silly with
them and we could really enjoy them.
But soon I found out that having a baby in the house could
be very inconvenient. When I was fast
asleep during the night it was hard for me to accept the fact that this child
would have the nerve to upset my sleep with some very inconsiderate
howling. And it didn’t take long to see
that our social schedule was going to revolve around this new baby’s schedule.
Being a parent also brought a lot of fear and anxiety. I remember when our first son had his first high
temperature. My wife and I are two
fairly intelligent people. But we were
pretty much paralyzed as we checked the thermometer that night. “Should we call the doctor?” Should we call our parents?” “Should we give him another bath?” “Should we wait until morning?”
In those days we had a rectal thermometer and I can still
see Ross’s face as we kept spearing him with the thermometer. He had this look of bewilderment on his
face. He looked like he was pleading
for one of us to step up to this situation and make a decision about solving
our problem. But he only saw two more
faces with that same look of bewilderment not having a clue as to what to do.
It seemed that the school people called me a parent more
than a father. They usually had special days for parents to visit and talked a
lot about working closely with the parents of their students. I think teachers and parents share many of
the some roles with our children. We are
both teachers to the children and we both have a major responsibility in their
lives.
I remember that Father’s Day was a special day when I would be acknowledged for my support to the
children. That was a day that would
make me reflect on my role as a father and it would always remind me of that powerful,
permanent bond between me and my sons.
I saw myself as an involved father and parent with my sons until they graduated from college and went out on their own. At that point I think I gave up the role of being a parent to them and now I am just their father. Now when I interact with my grown sons I don’t feel the responsibility of a parent. I don’t feel the need to give them advice and I don’t try to correct or direct them. Now I feel I am a lot more like a friend or a guest in their home rather than a parent or a teacher
A few years ago I was preparing to play in a golf tournament with my son, Brian. I heard him in the next room on the phone talking to his friend who was going to play in our foursome. I could hear that the friend was disappointed that a parent was going to play with him and maybe spoil the fun. I heard Brian say, "No, he isn’t like that. He is a great guy and you’re going to have a great time playing with him." I guess my role as a parent was officially over with Brian. I could play in his foursome as father and friend.
As a parent and as a father I have gotten some headaches and
some gray hairs from my sons. But mostly
I have received so much pleasure and so much satisfaction from being the father
and the parent of three great sons.