August 16, 2000

When I teach about the concept of family I usually begin with a definition of what the family is. And I begin by saying that the family is a group of people connected by... And the parents begin to complete the statement by saying the family is a group of people connected by blood. Not always. Connected by name. Not always. Connected by love. Not always. Connected by common goals. Not always. Connected by people who live in the same house together. Not always.

It’s so hard to define what families are connected by. And after a few minutes of frustration we agree that there is no general definition of family that fits all families. Each family is unique. Each family is so different. There is no family that will be exactly like yours.

And when we begin to start our own family, where do we get our model and our road map? I do an exercise with the parents by having them look back at the ideal family living in the ideal home in Camelot. I ask them to define the ideal characteristics of four people living in the mythical family in Camelot.

They usually choose the king-father-husband figure first. And even now they give the same stereotype characteristics that had been passed on in literature for so many years. They usually define the ideal king as strong, brave and a great leader. They usually define the ideal queen-mother- wife with all her stereotype characteristics as loyal, kind, caring and loving.

Then they describe the prince much like the king. And they describe the princess much like the queen. It’s interesting that we have spent so much time talking and thinking about getting away from gender stereotypes. Yet so many people are still holding on to the myths of this ideal family.

Another model we draw on when we become parents is the family in which we grew up. So many of the parents I worked with pretty much imitated the parents they were raised by. The new parents seemed to imitate the best of what they learned.

But these new parents also seemed to imitate the worst of what they learned growing up. It’s hard to believe that the very same hurtful attitudes and techniques that caused so much pain to kids would be passed on and used by new parents to cause the same pain to their children.

So many of the great families I knew were fortunate to grow up in very together families where they learned how to create an effective family simply by being raised in a great family.

But some of the effective parents I knew had been raised in miserable families. And they learned some painful lessons. But somehow they were able to create a successful family by doing the opposite of what their parents did.

Literature has created many models to build families on. We all grew up with the nursery rhymes, Mother Goose and Aesop’s Fables usually told interesting stories. But at another level they sent the message about what values and characteristics would be acceptable within the family and the community. It always bothered me that risk taking was usually seen as trouble in the nursery rhymes.

It seems that anyone daring to do something different found disaster in the end. And the characters who were slow and steady usually won the race. But I tell you when they have the rematch of the race between the hare and the tortoise again, my money is on the hare. "Slow and steady" is OK sometimes. But our families and communities also need to encourage the swift and those who choose to be different from the norm.

Television also has provided role models for our young parents. We have gone from "The Beaver" to Bill Cosby and now to a variety of families that are quite different from the traditional family.

Sometimes a neighbor’s family can become the ideal for our new family. But usually new parents take something from all of the models available to them. And then they begin to weave their borrowed ideals into their own personal beginning family. And as their family grows and changes their values and attitudes are usually refined and changed also

I remember when my wife, Gina, was pregnant with our first child. I spent a lot of time day dreaming about what our child would be like. And after Ross was born I remember sneaking into the nursery in the hospital where the babies were and staring at our son for hours. I couldn’t believe this baby was ours. And I couldn’t believe that this person was part of Gina and me. It seemed like a miracle.

The responsibility of raising this miracle didn’t hit me until we took Ross home from the hospital. The lofty day dreams were replaced by a lot of worry in a home that would be changed forever because of this baby.

The bad news for you new parents is that you are taking on a responsibility that can get very, very heavy. And no road map or parenting book is going to cover everything you will be experiencing as a parent.

The good news to you new parents is that you are going to be the leaders of your own unique family. And there will never be another family quite like yours. And you will be able to encourage the values the attitudes and many of the personal characteristics of your family members. And thru your children and grandchildren part of you will live forever.