September 19, 2001
I worked with a family where the 8-year-old daughter was
having difficulty dealing with her grandfather’s illness. The parents described Susan as very caring
and very, very sensitive. But now she was
becoming overwhelmed with the medical issues of her grandfather.
I worked with Susan for a while and met with Susan and her
mother also. Susan was such a great
kid. She was so kind and so caring and
so concerned about her family and her friends.
She would get really upset when any one was sick or hurt. But now this concern for others was getting
in the way of her ability to function in the classroom. She said she was so worried about her
grandfather that she couldn’t concentrate on her schoolwork.
And she was really upset on Mondays after visiting her
grandfather on the week-ends.
I asked the mother how the 6-year-old son was dealing with
the grandfather’s illness. Mom said
that feelings seemed to roll off Richie’s head like water off a duck. Nothing seemed to bother Richie. He took great care of himself and seemed to be almost oblivious to
any pain or crisis around him.
At first it seems so hard to understand that two kids in the
same family could react so differently to crisis. But so often in families one child seems to take on the role of
the emotional sponge in the family. And
that sponge takes responsibility for any pain and crisis connected to the
family.
Susan had become the designated emotional sponge in this
family. And now her 8-year-old system
had become overloaded with too many heavy feelings. And because Susan had taken responsibility for all the pain in
the family, her kid brother was free to take care of himself and focus on
having fun.
You would think that having a daughter like Susan would be
ideal from a parent’s viewpoint. But we know that too much of anything is trouble. The upside of having a sponge in the family
is that these kids are going to be very sensitive to the needs of others. They are going to be kind, considerate and
very helpful to others.
But there is also a downside. When kids spend too much time responding to the needs of others
they begin to neglect their own needs.
And that is big trouble. And it
really becomes overwhelming for 8-year-old kids when they begin to take responsibility for adult issues like Susan was
doing.
We know that being a emotional duck in the family has an upside. Kids like Richie never get ulcers. They seems to take care of their own
needs. And they certainly see
themselves as being very important. But they can become so insensitive to the feelings
and the needs of others. And that is what selfish is really
about. And that can also be big trouble.
Well, what’s a parent to do in this family. We decided to put a hold on Susan’s visits
to her grandfather. We talked a lot
about what responsibility in the family was for adults and what Susan’s responsibility
was. We talked about her role as a
helper at home with her chores and also pointed out her school responsibilities. And we also pointed out her responsibilities
to her friends and for her social activities.
I gave the parents one of my favorite tools for this
situation called MYOB—Mind your Own Business.
Mom said that Susan was always asking about adult issues in the home and
that Susan seemed so mature that they talked a lot about adult family issues.
Mom said she was going to give Susan the MYOB about adult
issues and show Susan that Susan was responsible only for 8 year-old business—and
the parents would take care of all the adult business in the house.
Mom also was concerned about Richie’s lack of sensitivity to
others. Mom decided that she would make
a point of giving him more responsibility in the house and begin talking with
him about how others might feel and what others might need.
Mom was also going to focus on what Richie could do to help
others and then how other people might feel about him after he had helped them and
also how he might feel after helping other people.
But the big issues Mom saw with her two kids was how far they
had become polarized in their reaction to crisis and other people’s needs and
feelings. Each child had gone too far. And
that both of her kids needed to come back more to the middle.
Susan had to think less about how other people felt and more
about her own feelings and needs. And
Richie had to think less about his own needs and more about the feelings and
needs of other people. And as parents
we know that kids need to find that balance of being considerate of themselves
sometimes and also considerate of others sometimes.
I will be offering 6 free parenting workshops in Beverly,
Salem, Danvers and Peabody. The Beverly
workshops begin Monday, September 24.
The three other workshops begin the week of October 1. If you are interested you can contact me at
978- 927 2437 or Email me at: gmcgurn@mediaone.net