Dressing for Independence

When I ask parents what qualities they would like to see in their children when they are l8 years of age they always include independence and responsibility. And yet when some parents tell me about their family routine they are really teaching their children dependence and lack of responsibility. Usually a child’s first decision in the morning is how to get dressed. In many families the child solves this dressing problem with his hands.

He puts one hand on one side of his mouth and the other hand on the other side of his mouth and yells: "MOOOOOM!" Mom then comes into the room, picks out the clothes for school and then helps the child get dressed. Since Mom has been doing this chore for a very long time she usually does an effective job and the child begins the school day well groomed. And Mom feels great because her child’s grooming is reflecting her rating in the community as a mother.

Should dressing for school be Mom’s responsibility or the child’s? Most mothers definitely say it should be the child’s. But when you push the issue so many mothers are picking out the clothes for their children each morning and some even dressing them.

In our Parenting Workshops we talk a lot of about developing independence and responsibility in children. And having children begin their day picking out their school clothes and then dressing themselves is a great way to start. In the Workshops we talk about sitting down with each child in September before school begins and going over the clothing and making decisions about what clothes will be OK for school. Then the child puts all the approved school clothes in a separate drawer. Once you make that decision about school clothes you shouldn’t have to battle every morning about what the child can wear to school. If it’s been approved it’s OK.

Another technique effective parents use is to have the children put their own clothes away in their own separate drawers. Then in the morning they will know where their clothes are. And when they call for mom saying they can’t find their shirt. You can put your hands to your mouth and yell: " You put them away so you must know where your shirts are!"

I’ve had a lot of mothers grudgingly agree to this dressing technique but come back the next week telling horror stories of their child dressing with the approved clothes in the morning but mixing and matching the clothes so the child goes off to school looking like a clown. And poor mother is watching in shock as her reputation as a mother goes down the tube.

Other mothers have told me that they are now fighting each morning about school clothes. When they tell their children they look like a clown a fight begins. When Mom tries to suggest other clothes another fight begins. What’s a mother to do?

A lot of parents are frightened about peer pressure. But peer pressure can be so helpful. When your children go to school dressed like clowns you don’t have to tell them. Their classmates will quickly tell them they look like a clown. And when they return from school your children might even ask you for some advice about dressing. Then you can become a helper instead of a critic and a warden.

It is so difficult watching your child head off to school dressed like a clown knowing the child will be teased by the kids at school. What’s a mother to do? We have a technique for these situations: l. Close your eyes. 2. Cross your fingers. 3. Say to yourself: " I hope this passes quickly."

Kids need some time, some space and some experimenting to get the hang of appropriate dressing. As your children get older an effective parent needs to step back and allow the children to take more responsibility . And you know that as they begin a task for the first time they won’t be able to do it as well as you. These are the times when children need their parents to step back and stop being a maid and a warden. Your children need you more as a cheerleader. "Wow, look at you. You picked out your own clothes. You got dressed all by yourself. You are getting to be so independent. And I didn’t have to nag or remind you once. This is great."

Remember, by the time your children become teenagers you will need a crow bar to get them away from the mirror and out of the bathroom.