DON: THE COOPERATE DEPENDABLE, WORKER

George McGurn

June 2, 1999

I worked with Don and his family when Don was in the 2nd grade. Don was referred to me because of his inability to complete his schoolwork. I remember that Don's teacher really liked him. She said he was such a kind person. And he was so helpful and cooperative. She told me that he tried so hard but just could not handle the class work. When she worked with him individually he seemed to understand the material. But when it came time to perform in a classroom setting with other students he seemed to "freeze."

Don's mom told me that she was shocked during the teacher conference when Don's teacher informed her about Don's problem with school responsibility. She couldn't understand why Don was having trouble handling responsibility. Mom told me that after she and her husband had divorced she and Don and Don's older sister, Susan, had become very close. Mom said that they had addressed the issues of responsibility at home and had divided up the chores. Mom said that her two children had become very responsible workers around the house. And that Don and his older sister had become a very efficient working team.

Mom said that Don's older sister was in middle school but she was so mature for her age that she was like a mother to Don. Mom said that when she had to work late she never worried about her two children. She knew that Susan was so dependable. And that Don was such a great helper around the house.

When I started to work with Don individually he seemed to be lost in the counseling room. He was so cautious and so very inefficient. We had a lot of arts and crafts material around but Don seemed to be overwhelmed with what to do and how to do it. He kept looking at me for direction. When I spoke with Don's teacher she described the same type behavior in the classroom.

When I began to work with Don and his mom together Don began to talk about how close he was to his sister and how much he enjoyed working with her. He said that she always knew what to do and he could trust her to help him with any problem that might come up.

When I began to question Don and mom about the team working arrangement at home it became pretty obvious that Susan was the captain of the team. And Don's job was to follow the direction given by Susan. At home this team concept worked very well. Susan would decide on the chores to be done. Susan would tell Don what he had to do. Then she would get him started with the job. Don was a very confident and efficient worker-as long as Susan was around to help him out.

By the time mom came home from work all the jobs were completed and mom said she was very proud that she had two responsible workers at home.

But the more we talked about the working styles of Susan and Don it looked like she had only one responsible worker at home. Susan was the independent, responsible leader. And Don had become a very dependent follower who needed his sister to help him complete his chores.

Well, mom was a very insightful parent. It didn't take long for her to see that in order for her son to find success in school he had to broaden his working skills. Don needed to maintain his ability to follow directions and work as a team. But he also had to learn some new working skills.

Don needed to learn about initiative. He needed to learn how to start a job by himself. Don needed to learn about independent working. He needed to be able to complete a task by himself. He needed to make decisions by himself. He needed to develop the ability to solve problems for himself. Don needed to develop more trust in his own working skills. And he needed to be less dependent on the leadership of others.

Mom simply talked with her kids about our meeting and explained the problems Don was having in school because of how the chores were handled at home. So they decided to divide the chores again. This time Don was given chores that he could do by himself. And Susan was given chores that she could do by herself. They were responsible only for their own chores. And Don was expected to work without Susan's direction.

So often I have had parents tell me how shocked they were when they saw the results of their child's spelling test on Friday. They would tell me that they had spent the week with their child at the kitchen table going over the words. And their child knew every word perfectly. They couldn't understand how their child could forget the words in such a short time.

Well, it's the same old story. Just like Don, children need to have the independence and confidence in themselves to demonstrate their skills and knowledge in a classroom setting with other children-without a parent sitting next to them.