DISTANCE AND CLOSENESS WITH YOUR CHILDREN

George McGurn

June 7, 2000

You say that your teen-age kids don't seem to want to spend any time with you. They say that they are embarrassed by the clothes you wear. They don't like what you watch on TV. They hate the music that you love. What happened to all that family togetherness you used to have?

Well, when kids move on to middle school they seem to want to move closer to their peer group and away from their parents. This can be very upsetting to caring parents who want to maintain a very close relationship with their children. But that's the way it's been for the last million years.

Do you remember when your kids were much younger and seemed to be always under your feet? Do you remember the constant, "Watch me, Mom." Do you remember your kids holding on to you and wanting to be in your lap? Do you remember hoping for the day when you would have some privacy and some peace and quiet. Well , your wish has come true-for a while.

My three boys are now grown adults. And my two oldest boys now have their own families and their own children. And they have gone thru different stages of wanting to be close to my wife, Gina, and me and then wanting distance from us. I remember my boys going thru the, "Watch this, Dad" stage. They wanted to be close to me and Gina. They needed us to be close to them for support and security.

I remember when our boys were two or three years old they were a little tense when Gina, and I left them with a baby sitter. And when they headed off to elementary school they were nervous leaving their comfortable "nest" for something new and scary.

When my boys headed for middle school they also headed for their own room upstairs. When my boys went to middle school they seem to move away from the downstairs rooms. They seemed to build their nest upstairs in their own bedrooms.

Their rooms were stocked with their basic teen-age provisions. They had their music. They had a stereo and CD player. They had their favorite pictures on the walls. They had their banners of rock bands. They had their books. And they had their games. And there didn't seem to be anyplace for a parent to hang out with them.

The door to their bedroom was closed a lot. And the message that Gina and I got was to give them some space.

That's pretty much how it was with our three boys as they went thru middle school and high school. They were very involved with their friends. But they didn't have too much time for Gina and me.

Then they were off to college for four years. Now they even had a geographic distance from us. I remember the phone calls to my two older boys were very brief. We got the facts and that was it. We also got a lot of, "I've got to go-see you."

Our third son, Kevin, was much more open about his activities in college. He enjoyed talking and shared a lot of his activities with us. After "pulling teeth" to find out what our two older boys were doing in college, Kevin's openness was such a delight.

After four more years of distance from us at college the boys made the move to living in their own apartments out of town. Now we had a few years when the boys were experimenting with their new freedom in their own place. They didn't seem to want us around very much. And they didn't seem to want to visit us very much, either.

Then the two oldest boys got married and bought their own homes. They seemed to enjoy their own space. And they didn't seem to need us around.

And then the boys became fathers and had babies to take care of. And then the need for distance from their parents was over. It was a whole new ball game. We were needed and wanted again.

My son, Brian, was the first to be a father. And he loved to visit us and show off baby Jessica. As Jessica grew up I remember Brian calling a lot and asking Gina and me to visit and stay over.

He told me how much it would mean to Jess. It was so nice to get calls like that and to feel needed and wanted again. But Brian lives a long way away. And it's still very difficult for us get together.

Then my oldest son, Ross, had his first child. He lives very close to us, so it was very easy for Gina and me to get very involved with his family. When his first child, Matt, was born Gina was still working so I became the back-up baby sitter and got a lot of calls to come over and help out. For two years I was very needed and very wanted by Ross and his family.

Now that Ross has three children Gina and I are even more popular with him. Gina is now retired from teaching school so is also available as a baby sitter. And Ross just loves to visit us now. We see him all the time. He just loves to bring his family over for a visit. Gina cooks a great meal for them all. And then I take the boys down cellar for some fun and games. Ross plays the role of guest and just basks at the dinner table telling us about his activities.

Well parents, I guess if you are feeling rejected by your teenagers you are just going to have to be patient for a while. As soon as those babies come those calls from your children will start pouring in. And then, in order to get a little peace and quiet you may have to get an unlisted telephone number.