DEATH: THE MYSTERY OF DEATH

George McGurn

August 18, l999

Last week we talked about the joy of birth. It was pretty easy for my son, Ross, and his wife, Kristin, to explain the birth of the new baby to their boys. There was so much physical evidence to show the boys that a baby was coming into the family. Death is so much more difficult to explain to children.

A few weeks ago Ross and his family went away for a week in New Hampshire. They left their three cats in the care of their neighbor, John. Unfortunately, Abby, one of their three cats was found injured and taken to the Animal Hospital by the police. The Animal Hospital contacted John and he in turn contacted my wife, Gina, and me to decide if Abby should be operated on or "put down." We had no way of contacting Ross so at first we thought about giving permission to " put the cat down" but decided to wait until Ross and his family returned from vacation.

When Ross returned and found out about Abby he was really upset. He told us he was going to do everything possible for his cat. I was very surprised at how upset he was about Abby. Later, he told me how close he felt to Abby. He told me a lot of very touching stories about Abby which presented the cat as an important family member.

Unfortunately, the medical prognosis was very poor so Ross and Kristin-after much soul searching-decided to "put Abby down." Meanwhile, the two boys Matt and Danny who are 4 and 2 were aware that something was wrong. But they didn't know exactly what.

Matt and Danny said good by to Abby before they left for their trip. They left a happy and healthy cat at home. But when they returned Abby was not there. The boys were concerned about their cat and wanted to know where she was.

And this is the mystery of death. What happened to Abby? She had a bad accident. And she is dead. What is dead? What does that mean? Where is Abby? She is in Heaven. What does that mean? Where is Heaven? Will she ever come back? Will we ever see her again?

Ross and Kristin relied on their faith to explain part of the mystery of death to the boys. But so many questions remain. If I get in an accident will I die? If I die will I be able to come back? If I die will I go to Heaven. Will I see Abby if I go to Heaven. Those are questions that are so difficult to explain to adults. And questions about death are even more difficult to explain to children.

I remember when I worked in the schools a mother called me and asked me to talk with her two daughters who were upset about the death of their dog. The daughters were about 7 and 9 years of age. At the time I had two counseling interns working with me so I decided to get together with the two girls and the interns to discuss this issue.

It turned out that the two daughters were bright, caring and insightful kids. And the interns were the same. So we had a very moving discussion about the issue of death. We talked a lot about the many conflicting feelings about death. We talked about Sorrow and Grief. We talked about what to do with Sadness. The girls decided they would draw a picture and write a poem to their dog.

We talked about Fear. Am I going to die? We talked about the mystery. What is death? Why is death necessary in our universe? One of the interns threw out the idea of what would happen if no dogs ever died. That led to a discussion about the town becoming overrun with dogs. And pretty soon there wouldn't be enough space for the dogs. And then there wouldn't be room for any new dog puppies in our town. And pretty soon there wouldn't be enough food for them. And pretty soon there would be dog disease and dog famine.

We talked about Guilt. Could I have done something to save him? We talked about Loneliness. I will miss him so much. We talked about Disbelief. I can't believe he is gone. We talked about Anger. Why do we have to lose our pet? It's not fair.

And death is such a mysterious subject. We have few real facts. We can't talk to people who have been there. Where is the evidence to explain this mystery? One of the confusing ways some parents try to explain death is thru convenient fiction. "Death is just like sleeping." " Death is like going away on a trip." Presenting fiction to explain death usually backfires. Kids need to know what facts we have about death.

I learned a lot in that beautiful discussion with the two girls and the interns. I learned how important it is to acknowledge that a death has occurred. And that kids need to know that death is permanent. I learned the importance of expressing the feelings you have about death. And I also learned how helpful it can be to share these powerful feelings with another caring person.