ACTIVE PARENTING OR PASSIVE PARENTING

George McGurn

July 21, 1999

My friend, Laura, has a summer home on the water in Falmouth. Actually, it's more of a mansion than a summer home. It's located right on the bay where her family has their own pier and a variety of boats anchored there. When our boys were young Laura let us stay at her place each summer for a week. No one in our family had any experience with boats so we had some very interesting and hair-raising experiences each year.

I remember one summer when my son, Brian, was about 9 years old he became very interested in the boats. At that time Brian was very much a risk-taker. At that time Brian was also very persistent and very determined. At that time Brian was also very thick-headed.

One morning Gina and I were on the beach when Brian decided to take the small canoe for a ride. No one in our family had ever been in a canoe so this was a new experience. Brian untied the canoe and took it into shallow water and proceeded to try to get into the canoe. Getting in the canoe and staying in the canoe proved to be a challenge for Brian. Each time he got part of his body inside the canoe it would tip over and Brian would get dumped into the water. But Brian was very determined.

Gina and I quietly watched his struggle for most of the morning. We wanted to shout instructions and give him some support. But we decided to give him some time and some space to figure out a solution. As we quietly watched Brian's struggle we talked about how important it was for us as parents to give Brian some space. We complemented each other on our self-control. And we felt pretty good about our parenting skills.

It wasn't easy to sit on that beach and watch Brian struggle over and over with the canoe. But we knew he wanted to do this by himself. After hours of frustration Brian finally got the hang of this new challenge and was able to get in and stay in. And it wasn't long before he was able to paddle that canoe around the shallow part of the bay.

Brian paddled that canoe around with a big smile on his face knowing he had accomplished something really big. And Gina and I had a smug smile on our face because we had also accomplished something big. As parents we had the wisdom to know when to allow our son to do it his way.

But we parents know that smugness about parenting doesn't last very long. Because a few days later Brian took an interest in a small sunfish sailboat. The sailboat was like a surfboard with a small sail. When he asked if he could use the sailboat we thought about how well we handled the canoe issue so we encouraged Brian to give it a try. Again we watched as Brian tried to get aboard the sunfish. Like his struggle with the canoe Brian could not get aboard or stay aboard. As soon as he got part of his body on the boat it would tip and Brian would fall into the water. But we know how persistent Brian can be.

So we watched most of the morning while Brian did his on and off routine until he finally found a way to stay on top of the sailboat. Again, Gina and I were proud of our parenting skills because we gave no advice and allowed him to do it by himself.

Then the trouble started. Brian asked if he could put up the sail and take a little spin along the shallow shoreline of the bay. Gina and I talked a little about it and figured that he had done so will with the canoe and staying afloat on the sunfish that he could handle a little spin on the safe part of the bay. And we also thought our parenting skills of backing off and allowing Brian to solve his own problems was working very well. So we gave Brian the green light. And off he went with his first ever sail.

This was big stuff. Even Ross and Kevin came over to watch. Brian headed off in the right direction. But the wind shifted and Brian began to sail into deeper water. Now Brian panicked and tried to steer the boat but he had no control over the wind. He knew he was in big trouble. And we knew he was in big trouble.

Fortunately, Brian was able to stay on the boat as it passed thru the deep water. And fortunately, instead of being blown toward the open sea the wind blew Brian into the eel grass that lined the opposite shoreline of the bay.

Poor Brian was really scared when we finally reached him in the eel grass. And Gina and I were really embarrassed about our dumb decision to allow him to go out on a sailboat without any experience.

And that's why parenting can be so tough. On the one hand you want to encourage your children to take risks. But you also don't want to put them in a dangerous situation.

A lot of the parent decisions are either black or white. And it's pretty easy to decide. But there are so many gray areas where the best you can do is try to make the best possible decision. And then you close your eyes. Cross your fingers. And hope you made the right decision.