October 3, 2001
Since the tragic events in New York City, the people in our
country have been feeling less safe, less secure and a lot more nervous about
what might happen to us tomorrow. And yet
there has been a lot written about reassuring our children that they are safe
and they are secure. That’s going to be
a tough sell. Because kids can sense
our feelings and they know that these are tense times for all of us.
A parent recently contacted me about a column I had written
about bedtime issues. She said that I
wrote: “Just imagine how it must feel
for a young, small child to crawl into bed between two large, warm, cozy
adults: so warm, so safe, so
secure. And sometimes it’s OK to have
the kids in your bed. But effective
parents make sure that kids get into
the routine of sleeping in their own room and in their own bed.”
She asked: “If it is
so warm, so safe, so secure for children to be in bed with their parents why is
it so important to get them into their own beds?”
She raises a very interesting question. Because in many cultures — and especially
primitive cultures – it’s common and accepted for adults and children to share
the same bedrooms and the same beds for sleeping. And as parents a major role we have is to ensure that our
children do feel: “so safe and so secure” with us.
Well, what’s the answer?
One of the quotes I had in my counseling room in school was: “A Ship in the Harbor Is Safe. But That’s not What Ships are Made For.”
From time to time a ship needs to return to a safe harbor
for repairs. And the crew also needs to
return to a safe home also for repairs.
An important part of the crew’s repairs is to relax and to spend some
time in a comfortable place so their body and spirit can become rested and
renewed. But when their ship is ready,
the crew must board their ship and head out to sea again.
Children also need to have that safe place to build their
confidence, to develop their courage and to develop a positive value of
themselves. That special place is in
their home and with their family. But
when their ship is ready, kids need to get on that ship and venture out to
their sea.
The idea of children heading out of the safety of the home
and facing up to the reality of life is so frightening for many parents. Because in the real life there is no
permanent, safe harbor. But if children
are going to participate in the real world they are going to face danger. They are going to face crisis. They are going to face temptation. They are going to be criticized and they are
going to experience failure. And that’s
life.
My son, Kevin, reminded me that the human body functions at
its best when it’s active. Our bodies
have been designed for movement, for activity and for adventure. We were not designed to sit quietly in a
safe space. I think our spirit is
much the same. I think our spirit
begins to fade thru inactivity.
I think healthy individuals find a way to stimulate their
body and their spirit thru an active life involving a balance between risk and
safety.
In our country keeping kids safe is a major issue. Every day the newspapers and television are
warning us about new and threatening dangers.
If we listened to all of these warnings our kids would have trouble
finding any food that was both safe and healthy. And if we listened to all
these warnings our kids would have trouble finding any activity that didn’t
have a dangerous risk connected to it.
Effective parents need to be aware of the degree of risk in
foods and activities. We don’t want our
kids eating unhealthy food. And we
don’t want our kids participating in activities that are too dangerous. We would like to give our kids a guarantee
of safety for the rest of their lives.
But that’s not going to happen.
We need to prepare our children to deal with the challenges
of the real world. And we need to
encourage our children to join in the real world outside of their safe
home.
Then we have to bite the bullet. We need to close our eyes, cross our fingers and hope that our
children really do it.
The next sessions of my free six-week parenting workshops
will begin the week of Sept. 24 in Beverly.
Classes in Salem, Peabody and Danvers will begin the week of Oct l. For
more information, call (978) 927-2437.