Bedtime Stories

September 1998

I remember working with a family about some cooperation issues with their 2nd grade boy. But very quickly they began to tell me about the medical issues of their younger child, Danny. I knew Danny had major heart problems but they told me about his newest medical problem with his lungs. They had just returned from an evaluation with the doctor. And the news was really grim.

The doctor told them that Danny’s lungs were very weak and that if he contracted pneumonia he might not survive. The doctor also said that if Danny didn’t get at least 8 hours of sleep each night he would be at risk for pneumonia.

The doctor and the parents explained the seriousness of the situation to Danny. And for a week the parents were pleading with Danny to "go to sleep" but Danny couldn’t do it. The parents said they bribed, they ordered, they threatened and they begged him "to go to sleep." But nothing seemed to work.

This was the second week of very little sleep for Danny . It seemed the more they tried to get him "to go to sleep" the less sleep he got. The parents also had been without sleep for a week and they too were exhausted. And now they were desperate.

In the counseling room I could feel their tension and especially their desperation when they used the word "sleep." I could imagine the scene in Danny’s bedroom each night. The parents saying "go to sleep." And then Danny becoming overwhelmed each time he heard the word "sleep."

After we talked for a while we saw how charged and how counter-productive the word "sleep" had become in the family. We talked about finding another word. They decided to give up the word "sleep" and ask him to "rest."

When the parents returned to the counseling room the next week they looked a lot calmer. They told me that Danny began each night by saying he wouldn’t be able to sleep. But now they told him that was OK and that he could go to bed and "just rest." During the night he would periodically call out and say he couldn’t "sleep." And the parents would tell him that it was OK. And that all he needed to do was to lie there and "just rest."

After a few nights of not fighting with the word "sleep" Danny relaxed and began to rest. And soon the rested and more relaxed child began to "sleep" much better. And soon the tension in the house lessened and everybody began to sleep better.

I also remember a friend of mine coming to visit me about a similar sleep problem with her daughter. My friend was in the same shape as the first parents. Her eyes were black and she was also exhausted. She said the sleep problem began when they invited their 4 year-old daughter into their bedroom at night to watch a video before she went to sleep. It was very inconvenient to wake her up and bring her into her own bedroom so they allowed Jennifer to spend the night in their bed. After a few weeks the video and the sleeping in the parent’s bedroom became routine.

The problem began when the parents tried to get their daughter to sleep in her own bed in her own bedroom. Jennifer kept getting out of her bed and trying to get into the parent’s bed. Jennifer said she was too scared to sleep alone in that scary room. In desperation Mom invited Jennifer back into the parent’s bed so the parents and Jennifer could get some sleep. Mom knew that Jennifer needed to sleep in her own room but couldn’t get Jennifer to cooperate.

After Mom and I talked a while we began to see that the parents had fallen into the common trap of making the parent bedroom safe, secure and cozy. But this made Jennifer’s bedroom seem lonely and scary. We talked about making Jennifer’s bedroom more safe, more secure and more cozy. Mom said she and Jennifer would spend a lot more time in Jennifer’s bedroom during the daytime playing games, reading and just hanging out.

Mom also said that she would insist the Jennifer stay in her own bedroom at night. And if Jennifer was too scared at night Mom would come into Jennifer’s room and stay with her a while until Jennifer fell asleep. That way Jennifer’s room would become more safe for Jennifer. And then Jennifer would get the message that she was expected to sleep in her own bed.

Just imagine how it must feel for a young, small child to crawl into bed between two large, warm, cozy adults: so warm, so safe, so secure. And sometimes it’s OK to have the kids in your bed. But effective parents make sure that kids get into the routine of sleeping in their own room and in their own bed.