All Work and No Play

November 6, l998

Brenda was 8 years old and she was in the 2nd grade. Brenda was a great helper. She was so considerate of others. She was always there when you needed a hand. She was so responsible. She was so dependable. When a classmate was hurt on the playground Brenda would take her to the nurse. When someone in the classroom needed help Brenda would be there. Brenda was a caretaker. And everybody loved Brenda.

But as the year went on her teacher began to see a side of Brenda that worried him. Brenda began to show signs of tension. She became very serious in the classroom and had a difficult time focusing on issues. She seemed to be daydreaming a lot. She seemed to be concerned about issues other than schoolwork. Brenda seemed to have a worried look on her face most of the day.

During parent conferences her teacher mentioned his concern to Brenda’s parents. They were shocked that he would be concerned about her. They told him that she was the perfect daughter. They said that she was Mother’s helper in the home. And they didn’t know how their home would function without Brenda. Brenda had an older brother and a younger brother and she was so helpful with both of them.

The parents reluctantly agreed to see me to discuss the teacher’s concerns. Both parents came to see me and began to tell me about their family. They were so proud of their children and were so happy that they were part of a very close family that really cared about each other.

They began to tell me about the chemistry among the children. They said that the boys were very active and enrolled in a lot of social activities. Dad was also very busy with his job and his own social activities. Mom was the primary caretaker in the home. Mom said that she found it difficult to keep up with such a busy household. And she was so lucky to have a daughter like Brenda to help her at home. Brenda’s parents told me how much they appreciated Brenda’s help at home. They said they were amazed that an 8 year-old child could be so responsible.

When I asked about Brenda’s weekly schedule they described her school responsibilities and then her chores around the house. And then they described how much time she spent picking up and watching out for her brothers. When I asked about Brenda’s social activities they told me that she never asked to join any activities because she was too busy during the week. Then they remembered that every Tuesday she did have basketball. But when they described her role in basketball she was really the scorekeeper for her older brother’s team. Poor Brenda. Eight years old and she had become a Maid.

Well, It’s so easy to work with caring parents within a caring family.

When the parents began to see how Brenda’s life revolved around too much responsibility for work and not enough free time and certainly not enough fun in her life they took immediate steps. The parents worked out a nice balance between work and play at home for Brenda. And her teacher also helped by teaching her when to take care of the needs of others and when to take care of her own personal needs in the classroom.

Writing about Brenda reminded me about a very poor decision I made as a counselor in our Middle School. We had a student who was blind in our 7th grade and she needed help in passing thru the halls between classes. I knew the kids in her class so I selected the most responsible student and assigned her as Patty’s permanent helper. Assigning the most responsible student to help Patty solved my problem with Patty for the entire year. Unfortunately, this caused two other problems. First, Patty was denied the chance to experience the other classmates as helpers. And then the less responsible students in her class were denied a chance to develop the responsibility of helping a needy classmate. I should have rotated this task so all the students could have had a chance to help.

It’s so easy to pick the most responsible child we know to take care of a responsible task. And it’s also easy to avoid giving responsibility to a less responsible child. Sometimes this polarizes two children into two extreme roles with one being the very responsible child and the other being the irresponsible child. But effective parents are aware of giving all their children experiences with responsibility. Then, a child who is less responsible can utilize the valuable experience of developing more responsibility. And then a child like Brenda won’t become overburdened as a Maid.