AGE APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR

George McGurn

February 10, 1999

Marie’s mom called me and asked about joining a parenting workshop I was offering. Marie’s mom came to the workshop and seemed to fit in OK with the other parents. When the workshop was completed she called me and made an appointment for a counseling session.

It didn’t take long during her first counseling session to see that Marie’s mom was in pretty bad emotional shape. During the intake part of the session I was trying to gather some information about mom and it became very complicated. It seemed that mom had been recently divorced and was trying to raise her daughter with the help of a series of counselors, social service agencies and relatives.

Mom talked about what each counselor had recommended and what the various agencies told her to do with her daughter. Nothing seemed to work. And mom was becoming desperate.

The next week she returned and seemed in much better shape. We were able to begin to address mom’s concerns and at least get some direction. Mom talked about how confusing it was to get so much conflicting advice from her helpers. She said that no one seemed to agree about what to do with her daughter’s acting out. And that things at home were out of control. Mom said she had tried all the suggestions from her counselors and had made no progress in improving things at home.

Then mom talked about how her own personal problems had worn her down so much that Marie was now stronger than she was. Mom said that she was too tired to take responsibility for being a parent to Marie. She said she now relied on her counselors to solve her problems with Marie.

Poor mom. She sat in her chair with such a hopeless look on her face. It seemed like she had given in to Marie and had no desire to assume a parental role. Mom then began to talk about her own need to be taken care of. She seemed to want to exchange roles in the family. Mom seemed to want to be the dependent, baby in the family.

Poor Marie. Because there was no parent in the house she was not able to be a child.

As mom talked about the strength of Marie I assumed that Marie was a teenager. But mom said that Marie was 3 years old. Mom told me that Marie was very young but I wouldn’t believe how tough she was. She said that when she told Marie to do something a bitter battle always took place. And now mom was losing the battles.

In our parenting workshops I have used the story of Marie and her mom as an extreme example of what can happen when family members don’t "act their age." I could just see mom and Marie at home fighting it out like two teenage sisters.

Mom seemed unable to act as a 31 year-old parent. She seemed to act more like a 15 year- old teenager. And Marie with no parent in the house seemed to also act like a l5 year old teenager. And the two l5 year-old teenagers were stuck in a situation where neither one could "act their age."

Unfortunately, the only way for Marie to "act her age" of 3 was to have mom "act her age" of 31. But at this time mom was not able to act 31 so both suffered the consequences.

Over the years I have seen a lot of ineffective parents who could not or would not assume the role of parent in the family. I worked with another family where the mother divorced and took on the role of teenage rebel in the home. This mother had a responsible 11 year-old daughter who then took on the role of parent to fill the parent void. During one counseling session I remember the mother asking her daughter if it would be OK for mom to stay out a little later on the week- ends. The daughter who had been a great student soon became overwhelmed with her new family responsibility and now had no time or energy for being a child. She was too busy being a mother.

Effective parents encourage their children to become independent and to take on age-appropriate responsibility. But effective parents maintain their role as adult leaders in the family. And then kids can "act their age"—as kids.