PARENTS GIVING ADVICE

George McGurn

August 4, 1999

Last week I was at a swimming pool with Ross and his 4 year old son, Matt. I noticed a mother talking with her 5 or 6 year old son. He was telling her he bumped his elbow. She quickly told him to put his elbow in the water and that would make it feel better. Then the boy told his mom that his bathing suit was too tight. She quickly went over and adjusted it. I watched mom and her son for a while and I noticed the worried look on mom's face. She seemed so anxious as she watched her son in the pool.

Mom seemed to be more "on duty" than the lifeguard. She seemed to be anticipating the next problem her son would give her. And she seemed to be trying to figure out what to tell him before it actually happened.

This mother reminded me of the kind of guidance counselor I was in the secondary school. My role was to give a lot of advice and to give a lot of direction. And my role was to actively solve problems for students. My role changed dramatically when I became a school adjustment counselor in the elementary schools. And my helping style changed dramatically because of Dr. Jean Wellington.

Jean Wellington was the chairman of the counseling program at Tufts University. She was also connected to our local Guidance Clinic. And she later became a consultant to our school counselors. Jean and I hit it off really well and she became my mentor as I was getting started in my new role as a family counselor.

Jean and I would meet on Monday morning from 9:00 to 10:00 each week. I looked forward to our meetings. I really needed someone to give me some advice because I was the only school adjustment counselor in all 4 of the elementary schools. And I had no one to compare notes with.

But our meetings began to get really frustrating for me. I would prepare for the meeting with a list of issues to discuss. I would tell Jean what I had done during the week. And she would respond with a little smile and a little head nodding. Then when I got to a major problem I was having she would ask a few questions about it. Then she would ask what choices I had. And then as our time was running out I would ask her what she thought I should do. This was the time when she would peek at the watch she always carried and say, "George, I've got to go. I will see you next Monday."

As our Monday meetings continued in the same way I began to get even more frustrated with Jean. She must have sensed my frustration. Because she changed her closing line with me. Now at the end of the session when I asked her for her advice she would say, "George, You're bright, you're creative. You'll find a way to take care of it." And then after our meeting I would think to myself, "Thank heavens one of us is bright and creative. Because I'm not getting much help from these sessions."

As the school year got on I began to pick up a lot of families to work with. And pretty soon I began to feel like the mother at the pool. I started to get overwhelmed with the pressure of coming up with solutions to so many complex problems. And Jean Wellington who was my consultant was giving me plenty of nods and smiles. But she gave me no advice at all.

Then things began to change for me. I remember being with two distraught parents who were asking me for advice on how to solve their problem with their child. And I remember looking at my watch and saying " I know you would like me to give you a quick answer for your child. But we don't have the answer right now. And we are going to have to get together again next week and try to figure it out."

And as the parents left my room I said to my self that I had become another Jean Wellington. And from this point my relationships with people changed dramatically. I no longer felt the pressure to give advice to solve everybody's problems. I began to listen like Jean. I began to nod and to smile and encourage. I began to respect the ability of other people to solve their own problems.

And it didn't take the people I worked with very long to pick up on my new attitude. Instead of depending on me to solve their problems with my advice, they began to use their own skills and ability. And they also began to trust and respect them selves more. That mother at the pool could help her son so much by using some of Jean's technique.

Jean really changed my life in a very dramatic way. She knew exactly what I needed from her and she had the patience and the wisdom to give it. A real bonus for me was that Jean and I worked together for a long time and we become good friends.

"Jean, It took me a little while to figure out that you were really the one who was 'bright and creative.' I will never forget how much you helped me grow as a counselor and as a person. Thanks."